Comic Treasure Island
by garfieldodie
Summary: A take on the Muppet Movie that is a take on the famous book. COMPLETED!
1. The Story

_Walt Disney Pictures presents…_

…_from Jim Henson Productions…_

…_an adaption of a Brian Henson film…_

**Comic Treasure Island**

_Starring Tim Curry as Long John Silver_

_With Snoopy as Captain Smollett_

_Calvin and Hobbes as themselves_

_With Billy Connolly as Billy Bones_

_And Jennifer Saunders as Mrs. Bluberidge_

* * *

"I was Flint's first mate that voyage," Billy Bones said. "Three days east of Tortola in the Caribie. Flint knew an island. That's where we buried the treasure. Gold and blood; they were Flint's trademarks. He'd leave both behind him that day. Oh aye. Fifteen men went ashore that day, and only Flint, his own self, returned."

Billy threw some rum on the fire that burned nearby.

"Oh aye, and then old Flinty! Up and died before he could get back to the cursed island and dig up the treasure. No one knows to this day who has Flint's map. Now isn't that a story worth a-hearin'?"

The sailors at the bar sighed.

"It was the first dozen times we heard it," one of them muttered.

"I'll drink to that!" said another.

"But who has the map now?" Billy went on, taking a seat. "Some black-hearted squid-suckin' buccaneer? Or maybe it's our very own…Jim Hawkins! Hey, Jimmy?"

A boy with messy hair came walking down through the bar with empty mugs and glasses.

"If I had it, me and my friends wouldn't be serving you rum, Mr Bones," he said.

Then a boy and a tiger followed him.

"That's right!" said Calvin. "We'd be out searching for that treasure! We'd be out on the seven seas on a five year mission bolding going where no man has gone before!"

"Catchy," said Hobbes. "As for me, I just reexamined Mr Bones' last sentence: did he say squid-sucking?"

Calvin and Hobbes handed Billy his food.

"Hey, you gonna eat all that?" asked Hobbes, eyeing it.

"Aye!" shouted Billy. "Beware the one-legged man! He's the one to fear!"

"Don't worry, Captain. We'll watch for him," said Jim.

"Yeah, no one-legger is gonna find his way in here!" said Calvin.

Billy hit Calvin over the head with a pitcher.

"Even ol' Flinty feared him!" Billy went on. "If he comes around here, you run from me whippety quick!"

"If we see him, we'll tell you," Jim said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, sure," said Hobbes. "One leg, two heads, couple dozen noses…," he said. "And by the way: do you suck squid?"

Billy reeled Hobbes in by his tail.

"This is no jokin' matter, Stripes!" Billy growled. "The one-legged man brings death!"

And he shoved Hobbes away, who crashed into Calvin, and they both fell to the floor.

Just then a gigantic woman waddled in from the kitchen.

"All right, gentlemen!" she shouted. "Closing time! Pay your bills and shove off! Go on! Out ya go!"

As she moved she kept bumping into stuff, and soon garbage piled up behind her.

"Boys!" she shouted. "How does this place get to become such a pigsty?"

Calvin and Hobbes hopped to it.

"Here's to you, boys," said Billy, getting up.

The old sailor handed Jim, Calvin and Hobbes some money.

"I'll go wait in my room," he said, and he left.

"Thanks, Mr Bones," said the three boys.

After Billy Bones went up to his room and the sailors were gone, Mrs. Bluberidge started shouting at the three boys.

"All right, boys!" she said, blowing the candle out. "When you finish here, you can go clean up in the kitchen. I left some table scraps for your supper."

She started up the stairs, stopped, and then faced them again.

"Oh, and boys…LAST NIGHT YOU FORGOT TO PUT OUT THE LANTERN! IF YOU FORGET AGAIN THERE WILL BE NO TABLE SCRAPS FOR A WEEK! BAH!"

And she stomped up the stairs, shaking the whole building.

Calvin and Hobbes groaned.

Jim sighed.

* * *

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes piled up outside.

Jim was on the bottom, Hobbes was in the middle, and Calvin was on top.

They were trying to put out the lantern.

"I hate my life," said Jim.

"I hate your life too," said Calvin.

"If I had a life, I'd hate it," said Hobbes.

"I should just run off to sea like my father did," Jim continued. "He was my age when we sailed to China as a cabin boy, and he wound up first mate!"

"Run off to sea and leave _us_ here?" Calvin asked. "What kind of friend are you?"

"Yeah, I think everybody would be upset if you left!" agreed Hobbes.

"Who's everybody?" asked Jim. "I'm an orphan. I've got no family."

Calvin gasped. "Hey, I'm hurt! _We're_ your family!"

"Yeah," said Hobbes. "We may not be blood-related…or related at all, but we act like a family!"

Finally, Calvin was able to blow out the lantern, and just at that moment, Jim slipped.

Calvin and Hobbes came a-tumblin' down.

"WHOA!" they screamed.

_WHUMP!_

Once Jim helped them up, he said, "Be serious, Hobbes. We don't exactly look alike."

"Fine, fine," said Hobbes. "So I'm a tiger and you two are humans. And don't think I don't feel sorry for you."

Calvin nodded.

"But we're still family!"

"Yeah, but I wish my life were more like one of Captain Bones' adventures," Jim complained. "Sailing the high seas and searching for buried treasure!"

"Yeah!" said Calvin. "Discovering lost islands and weird civilizations."

"Navigating with my father's old compass to wherever the wind may take us!" Jim continued.

"Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"To the southwest, pirate galleons!" said Jim.

"To the southeast, multi-armed Zanzibaneon short women with their exploding wigs of death!" said Calvin.

Jim and Hobbes stared at him.

"TO THE NORTHWEST, DIRTY DISHES!" shouted Mrs. Bluberidge.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes whirled around.

No one was in sight.

"How does she do that?" asked Calvin.

Jim sighed.

"Might as well start," he said. "I'll wash."

"I'll dry," said Hobbes.

"I'll break," said Calvin.

* * *

Back in the house, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes finished cleaning the bar and kitchen when suddenly Billy Bones came stomping downstairs and shouting.

"Rum!" he yelled. "I need rum, lads! I got the horrors! Gimme rum! Rum till I float!"

And he smashed some wine bottles with his sword.

"Hey, we just cleaned there!" said Calvin.

Hobbes grabbed him, and they dove under a table to be safe.

Jim calmed down Billy Bones.

"All right, all right!" he said. "Just one small one!"

"DON'T BE GIVING HIM ANY MORE RUM!" shouted Mrs. Bluberidge.

Everyone stared.

"How does she bloody _do_ that?" wondered Billy.

Calvin and Hobbes shrugged.

Suddenly, they heard a faint noise.

_CLINKITY-CLINK!_

"Shh!" hissed Billy.

Billy, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes glanced at the door.

They saw a shadow under it the crack.

They heard a stick tapping the cobblestones outside.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Jim approached it with caution.

Billy kept his distance.

Calvin and Hobbes hid under the table.

Jim opened it and revealed…

…a strange-looking man wearing eye patches, holding a cane and wearing torn clothes.

"HA, HA, HA, HA! BILLY BONES! IT'S ME! Blind…Wally!"

Jim glanced at Billy.

Billy looked creeped out.

"I know you're here, Billy!" Wally said.

He walked in…and tripped over a loose floorboard.

"You sniveling coward!"

Calvin and Hobbes observed.

"It's some kind of a blind fiend," said Hobbes.

"Looks more like some guy who works in a cubicle to me," said Calvin.

Billy was trying hard to get them to hush.

"Ha!" said Wally. "I heard that! There's someone here."

Blind Wally turned to the right…and rammed into a shelf of bottles.

"No," he said.

Then he turned to the left.

"Over here!"

He swung his cane at Jim and almost hit a few teeth out.

Billy signed for Jim to keep quiet.

"Hmmm," said Wally. "Over here?"

Wally put his hands out and grabbed…a decapitated moose.

"Ho, ho, ho!" he shouted. "Billy Bones! I'd know that sourly mug of yours anywhere!"

Jim took a chance.

"Excuse me, sir, but the bar is clo—!"

Jim was grabbed and held over the head by Wally.

"AH-HA!" shouted Wally. "A pretty little girl, eh? Yes, take me to Billy Bones, my pet!"

Billy pulled out his gun.

"You've come to the wrong place," said Jim nervously. "There's no Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl!"

But Wally was having none of it.

"I may be visually challenged, but I can see you're lying."

Billy's gun clicked as he prepared to fire.

Wally's acute hearing picked it up.

He shoved Jim out of harm's way, flipped over some chairs, and smacked Billy's hand with his cane, redirecting the blast.

"Good evening, Bill," said Blind Wally. "I know it's you. Yes, you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Just take it all for yourself and leave your shipmates with nothing. We're not pleased with that, Bill. Not at all. We want you…to have _THIS_!!"

Wally slapped a piece of paper into the Billy's hand.

Then he turned and laughed…only to crash into the table that Calvin and Hobbes were hiding under.

After a while, Blind Wally made it to the door and walked away, laughing evilly.

Jim closed the door.

Calvin and Hobbes came out from under the table.

They all stared at Billy Bones, whose hand was shaking as he stared at the tiny piece of paper.

It had a black spot on it.

Calvin raised an eyebrow.

Finally, Billy spoke.

"The Black Spot! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" he screamed.

* * *

Billy, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes ran up to Billy's room, and Billy frantically started to pack.

"But I don't understand!" said Jim. "What _is_ that Black Spot?"

"The Black Spot's a pirate's death sentence!" Billy said frantically as he loaded his suitcase.

"Eep!" gasped Hobbes.

"Huh," said Calvin. "Smooth."

"They'll be coming to kill me!" Billy went on. "Tonight!"

Calvin and Hobbes gasped and then started to help load up the suitcase.

"Let's hit the road!" Calvin said.

"It's me old sea chest those lubbers are after!" Billy shouted.

Calvin tossed in a book. "Huh. I thought this wouldn't be published until 1981," he said, looking at the title.

"But I'll trick them!" Billy continued. "I'll shake them on another reef and battle them again!"

Calvin and Hobbes halted and stared at him.

"Uhhhh…," said Hobbes. "Care to repeat that?"

"IT'S MINE!" Billy shouted. "I'M GOING AFTER THAT TREASURE MYSELF! AND NO ONE-LEGGED SON OF A BILDRAT WILL—AUGH! ACK! WHOA, WACK! AAH!"

And he passed out on the bed.

"Captain Bones!" gasped Jim.

They all ran to him.

There was a brief silence.

"Can I have his dinner?" asked Hobbes.

But just then, Billy came back.

He grabbed Calvin and pulled him in close.

"Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim," Billy moaned. "You've always been a decent sort to ol' Billy Bones."

"But I'm not Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim," said Calvin. "_He's_ Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim."

So Billy shoved Calvin into Hobbes, and then he pulled Jim down.

"Jim?"

"Yes, captain?"

"Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim?"

"Yes, captain? What is it?"

"Take the map!"

"What map?!"

"THE MAP TO OLD FLINT'S TREASURE! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YA? I WAS FLINTY'S FIRST MATE! WE ALL WERE! BLIND WALLY AND ME!" Billy hollered.

Calvin and Hobbes gasped.

"Oh, my old shipmates! They'll gully me and anybody else to get their mitts on that map!" Billy continued.

"And gullying hurts, right?" asked Hobbes.

"Oh aye! A lot!"

Hobbes fainted.

"So quick! Get to my sea chest! Get the map!"

Calvin, Hobbes and Jim dove into the chest.

"Let's see…," said Calvin. "Underwear, Dan Carnegie course…"

Hobbes found a pair of gag teeth and a bowling ball.

But Jim found a slightly torn rolled up sheet of paper.

He opened it and gasped.

"It _is_ a treasure map!" Jim breathed.

"We're gonna be rich!" said Calvin.

"We're gonna be _dead_!" corrected Hobbes.

"Beware, lads!" warned Billy. "Beware!"

"Of what? The one-legged man?" asked Jim.

"Aye. But also: beware running with scissors or any other pointy objects! It's all good fun until someone looses a—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

And poor Billy Bones died.


	2. The Map

"Captain?" asked Jim.

Calvin and Hobbes gulped.

"We're…standing in a room…with a DEAD GUY!" screamed Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes screamed.

Jim screamed.

Before they ran out screaming, Calvin grabbed the map and tucked it in his pocket.

They ran out of the room in panic, and they ran downstairs.

Just as they passed a window, it burst.

_CRASH!_

Glass flew everywhere.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes whirled around in shock.

Windows broke all over the place.

Then the front door burst open.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes recognized the one at the front.

Blind Wally.

"OH BILLY BONES!" sang Wally. "TRICK OR TREAT!"

Jim ran in one direction.

Calvin and Hobbes ran in another.

"Don't try to hide, Billy!" shouted another pirate. "You know what we want!"

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes ran into the powder room and locked the door.

Then they started to run around in circles, screaming their heads off.

* * *

Jim ran upstairs and started running towards the end of the hall.

"Where are ya, Billy?" shouted a pirate.

Jim made it to the door and started pounding.

"Mrs. Bluberidge!" he shouted.

Mrs. Bluberidge woke up, growled, and struggled to get up. She waddled over to the door.

"Can't a woman get her beauty sleep anymore?" she grumbled.

She opened the door and Jim burst inside.

Once inside, he locked the door.

* * *

Blind Wally was swinging his sword all over the place.

He nearly sliced and diced some of the crew.

Then he ran right into a grandfather clock.

**_CLANG!_**

He fell to the ground.

* * *

In the powder room, Calvin and Hobbes had finally gotten their heads together and started to try and fight back.

"Okay, I found the gun," said Hobbes.

"Good," said Calvin. "I found the gunpowder."

"Fill 'er up!"

Calvin poured gun powder into the gun.

"Okay, now where does Mrs. Bluberidge keep the bullets?" asked Calvin.

But as Calvin ran, he forgot to put the cork back into the hole in the barrel, and now gunpowder was spilling everywhere.

* * *

Meanwhile, the pirates had found Billy.

"HE'S DEAD!" shouted a pirate. "And he hasn't got the bloody map!"

Blind Wally growled.

"Those little girls must have it! Get them!"

And they went back downstairs.

* * *

As Calvin continued to spill gunpowder everywhere, Hobbes climbed the shelf.

"CALVIN! CALVIN! I FOUND THE BULLETS!"

Calvin ran over.

"Where are they?"

"In this bag!"

Hobbes held up the bag, but then the whole shelf came loose and fell to the ground.

When Hobbes emerged, the bag was torn and empty.

"Whoops," said Hobbes sheepishly.

Calvin glared at him.

Hobbes grinned weakly.

* * *

Some of the pirates ran to Mrs. Bluberidge's door and started to beat at it.

"OPEN UP IN THERE!" one shouted. "We want the map, and we'll scour anyone who gets in the way!"

"Quick, Jim, the backstairs!"

Mrs. Bluberidge opened another door.

Jim ran out.

As soon as she closed the door, there was an explosion, and the pirates made it inside.

Mrs. Bluberidge growled at them.

She waddled towards and rammed into them hard with her giant stomach, knocking them over like bowling pins.

"Get out of my inn, you tattooed miseries!" she shouted. "Can't a woman get a good night's sleep alone?"

She beat, smacked and kicked them all.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes had cleared away the wreckage of the shelves and were now searching for the bullets.

"This gun is useless!" Calvin complained. "You lost the bullets all because you couldn't just get the stepladder!"

"Stepladders are dumb!" said Hobbes. "A real cat of the wild will climb any surface! Besides, you're the one who's losing the powder!"

Calvin glanced at the barrel.

"Why am I still holding this thing?" he asked himself.

Just then, the door burst open, and in stormed five pirates.

"The map!" shouted a pirate. "Tell us where it is, or die!"

Calvin and Hobbes lingered for a second.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" they screamed.

They ran off.

Hobbes dropped the candle he was holding.

"GET THEM!" shouted Blind Wally.

They ran past the spilt gunpowder.

Calvin and Hobbes ran around a corner.

"RUN, RUN, RUN!" screamed Hobbes.

The pirates ran towards the corner, but before they rounded it, they saw Hobbes' candle land on the floor.

The fire struck the gunpowder.

Too bad this was a century without electricity, huh?

Suddenly, the ball of flame started to follow the trail of gunpowder, and it headed straight for the pirates!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" screamed the pirates.

They all started running.

Calvin and Hobbes ran from the pirates.

And the pirates ran from the fire!

Then the fire got in front of Calvin and Hobbes, and soon they were _all_ running from the fire.

"OUTTA MY WAY! _OUTTA MY WAY!_" screamed Calvin.

"HELP! JIM! HELP!" Hobbes wailed.

"MOMMY!" yelled the pirates.

After a lot of running, one the pirates finally yelled, "STOP!"

Everyone froze.

Then they saw that the one pirate was standing over the gunpowder barrel.

And the fire was coming up fast.

Calvin and Hobbes got out of the room fast and ducked behind the bar.

Uh oh.

_**KAAAAAAAAAAAABLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!**_

Pirates shot out of the roof of the inn like rockets.

"Owww!" they moaned.

Jim ran out the back way with explosions of fire going off all around him.

Soon he was out of range from the fire.

"Calvin? Hobbes?" he shouted.

_**KABOOM!**_

_**CRASH!**_

"_WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!_" screamed Calvin.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!_" screamed Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes, who were both slightly singed and covered in soot, landed at his feet.

"WOW!" Calvin cheered. "What an exit! Straight through a brick wall! Top that, Gallagher!"

"Ow!" moaned Hobbes. "I'll be grooming myself for _days_!"

"Come on!" Jim shouted.

The trio ran for safety.

* * *

Inside the burning building, Blind Wally was just finding the powder room.

"I think…I smell something burning! Who's the moron who started a fire?"

_**KAAAAAABOOOOOOOM!**_

* * *

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes were finally a safe distance away from the flaming building.

"What do we do now?" asked Hobbes.

Jim thought.

"We can't go home, so…?"

Calvin pulled out the treasure map.

"Let's have an adventure!" he finished.

Hobbes glared at them.

"Oh no," he said. "I'm not going on a death trap mission! I am staying right here!"

"Good idea, Hobbes," said Jim. "Then you can see what half-burnt vicious pirates look like!"

Hobbes glanced at the building.

_**KABLAM!**_

_**CRASH!**_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!_" screamed Blind Wally, who was soaring through the air.

Hobbes gulped.

"What are we waiting for?" he said nervously. "Let's go!"

They were about to leave when Jim stopped them.

"Wait a second! What about Mrs. Bluberidge?"

Just then a window smashed and a hand popped out.

Then the whale-sized Mrs. Bluberidge climbed out of the flaming building.

"I'LL BE FINE, BOYS!" she hollered. "RUN FOR IT!"

Calvin, Hobbes and Jim all stared at each other.

"How does she _do_ that?" they all asked.

Shrugging, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes hurried off into the night.

Mrs. Bluberidge watched them leave, and then growled at the pirates who lay on the ground.

"NOW WHICH OF YOU IS GONNA CLEAN THIS MESS UP?!" she growled.

* * *

The next day, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes were riding through town.

They were covered in soot and were exhausted.

"What a night," groaned Hobbes, rubbing his eyes.

Jim was keeping an eye out for a shop.

"There it is!" he said excitedly.

They climbed down from the buggy and ran to the door of the building.

Jim read the gold sign on the brick wall.

"Trelawney and Son: Master Ship Builders," he read.

"This is it," said Calvin, who looked excited.

Jim knocked on the door and waited.

"Whoa, hold on," said Hobbes. "Do you honestly think we're gonna be able to get this guy to build us a boat? All we have is a piece of paper with writing on it!"

"It's worth a try, Hobbes," said Jim.

The door suddenly opened.

An old man wearing one of those George Washington wigs came out.

"May I help you?" he asked in a creaky old voice.

"Yes, thank you," said Jim. "We wish to speak with Squire Trelawney the ship builder. We need a ship."

"I'm sorry," said the old man. "The Squire is out. He will return on the Feast of Saint Lulu."

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes groaned.

"Thanks anyway," sighed Jim.

They started to leave.

"However," said the old man. "His rich half-wit son, Young Squire Satchel is here." He let out a wheezy laugh.

Calvin and Hobbes sighed.

Jim perked up.

"We'll see him then."

* * *

Young Squire Satchel was a mutt that sat on a bench staring through a magnifying glass at Billy Bones' map.

"Well, gentlemen," he said in a dopey sweet voice. "This is definitely a genuine bonafyed treasure map!"

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes were ecstatic!

"Really?!" asked Jim happily.

"Sure! Mr Bimbo told me so!"

The three figures before him stared.

Squire Satchel stared back.

"Oh! Mr Bimbo lives in my finger!" Squire Satchel explained. "He's _very_ smart. He's been to the moon!"

Satchel held his ear up to this paw.

"Oh! I'm sorry! _Twice!_"

Calvin and Hobbes groaned.

"Bozo the clown is in the house," Calvin whispered.

Hobbes nodded.

Suddenly, there was a loud explosion.

_**KABLAM!**_

"Bark!"

Suddenly, a yellow mutt with brown ears and a large red tongue flew across room from another room. He was wearing a velvet red jacket and had on brown shoes.

The dog got his head stuck in the wall.

Then a fat orange tabby wearing a velvet green outfit came out from the room that the dog had flown from. He was wearing a gray wig on his head.

"Phew!" he coughed. "Nice one, Odie. Too much gunpowder! Check!"

Then the cat pulled the dog out of the wall.

"Good dog."

"Bark!" said the dog, who slurped the cat.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes stared at them.

"Oh, hey guys!" said Squire Satchel. "Boys, this is Dr Garfield and his assistant, Odie. They do experimentations, research and other weird stuff for me and my pop!"

"Hey, boys," said Dr Garfield, shaking paws with Hobbes.

"Arf!" said Odie.

Calvin and Hobbes smiled in return.

"Actually, Squire, we were hoping to meet with your father," said Jim. "We need a ship for an ocean voyage."

Squire Satchel stared.

"Ocean?" he asked. "Ocean." He looked at the finger where Mr Bimbo lived. "Ocean?"

"Ocean!" interrupted Hobbes. "The big blue wet thing!"

The gears in Squire Satchel's head turned until he figured it out.

"Oh! The big blue wet thing! Yes."

Calvin and Hobbes rolled their eyes.

Dr Garfield spoke up.

"Say! I know what's happening here!" he said. "You guys are headed for this island, aren't you? You're gonna find this treasure, right?"

"Yep," said Calvin. "Why? You wanna come?"

"You bet!" Dr Garfield replied. "You know how much lasagna and pastrami that'd buy?"

"Woof!" agreed Odie.

"Yes, but we must be quiet about it," said Jim. "There are pirates looking for this map."

Squire Satchel, Dr Garfield and Odie gasped.

"Yeah!" said Calvin. "They wanna kill us for it! Pretty cool, huh?"

"Right," said Hobbes. "Bloodthirsty pirates who are out to murder us for a couple of pounds of gold and jewels."

"Disgusting," said Dr Garfield.

But Squire Satchel was excited.

"Pirates, huh?" he said. "Well, that's good enough for me! We'll use one of my dad's boats, and I will personally finance the voyage myself!"

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes grinned widely.

"You'd do that?!" Jim asked happily.

"Sure, why not? What are rich halfwit sons for?"

Calvin and Hobbes cheered.

And they hurried onwards.


	3. The Ship

About a week later, the voyage was ready to start.

The harbor was bustling with activity.

Jim, Calvin, Hobbes, Dr Garfield and Odie walked the decks in new attire that Squire Satchel had bought for them.

"Well, here's the dock," said Calvin.

"Where's the boat?" asked Hobbes.

"We're on a dock? No wonder I'm seasick," moaned Dr Garfield.

"Ahoy!" shouted Squire Satchel, who came running over to them. "Welcome, welcome! Ah, there she is: _the_ _Hispaniola_!"

Everyone turned and gasped in amazement.

What we had here was a beautiful ship.

"Come on, let's go!" cheered Calvin.

Jim grinned.

It has giant sails, a tall mast, wooden sides…

But the strangest part was on the front.

On the front of the ship were a couple of wooden heads.

It was Roy and Bernie, the two senior citizens from the _Marvin_ comic strip.

"Take a cruise, you said!" Bernie complained. "See the world, you said! Well now look! We've been turned into wooden statues and stuck on this ship!"

"Well, look on the bright side! We _could_ be stuck in the audience!" Roy replied.

They both laughed.

Calvin and Squire Satchel stood on the ship's deck, looking around.

"Well, Mr Bimbo," said Squire Satchel to his finger, "the ship is provisioned, the crew is in place and the captain should be onboard within the hour. You've been a busy little man."

As he walked away, Calvin stared at him and sighed.

Then he joined Jim and Hobbes at a round thing.

"Ooh, look!" he said. "It's the steering wheel!"

"This is called the helm," explained Jim.

"Oh."

"Well," said Hobbes. "How does it feel, _Captain_ Hawkins?"

Jim grinned wider.

"It feels like we're really doing it!"

"It feels…we're finally having an adventure!" added Calvin.

"Yeah," said Hobbes. "I'm starving. Where's the kitchen?"

Hobbes ran off.

Calvin and Jim sighed and followed him.

* * *

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes scurried down to the galley.

"Mmm," said Hobbes. "Something smells good."

As they ran down, they heard someone singing.

"Put him in the longboat until he's sober," the voice sang. "Put him in the longboat until he's sober. Put him in the longboat until he's sober early in the morning."

They saw a man sitting at the door to the kitchen.

He was peeling an onion.

Calvin cleared his throat.

"Ahem," he said.

The cook looked up.

"What have we here? Stowaways!"

The cook held up a knife.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes jumped back.

"I'm afraid we shish-ca-bob and barbecue stowaways on _this_ ship!"

Calvin and Hobbes gulped.

The cook growled, and then started to laugh.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes loosened up and started to laugh too.

"Wait, I know," said the cook. "You must be the cabin boys! Hungry, lads? Well in my galley, you're always welcome to help yourselves."

"Yes!" cheered Hobbes. "Thank you! Ha, ha!"

Hobbes leapt over the bar and into the kitchen. He screeched in front of a turkey and started to eat the whole thing.

The cook chuckled.

"Well, he's got a healthy appetite, huh?" he said. "Well, how about you, spiky?"

Calvin looked up.

"Huh?"

"Here ya go."

The cook tossed him an apple.

"Oh, well thank you!" said Calvin. "Well, I'm Calvin, and the tiger wiping out that bird is Hobbes."

"Yo," said Hobbes between bites.

The cook glanced at Jim.

"And you must be Master Hawkins," he said.

"Yes, sir," smiled Jim.

The cook laughed.

"Oh, ye needn't be callin' a lowly ship's cook 'sir'. Long John Silver at your humble service."

Jim and Calvin exchanged glances.

"But we're just cabin boys, Mr Silver," said Jim.

"Long John to his friends," said Long John, tapping his nose. "And believe me lad; a friend ye can trust is worth his weight in gold. There's many a dark-hearted scoundrel in these ports."

"What do you mean? Pirates?" asked Jim.

"Shh!" hissed Long John.

Suddenly, a cat jumped onto his shoulder!

The cat was not at all like Hobbes or Dr Garfield.

He didn't look friendly at all.

He was black and white and had one long fang.

"Pirates?!" asked the cat. "What an imagination! Gimme a cracker! Whistle noise!"

Long John grinned slightly.

"Allow me to introduce me pet cat, Bucky Katt."

"Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Braack! Whistle noise!" said Bucky.

"Raised him from a kitten, I did. As fine a feline as a man could ask fer."

"But aren't you supposed to have a talking parrot?" asked Calvin. "That's what _I've _known to be true."

"Talking…parrots?" asked Long John.

Bucky quickly cut in.

"What an imagination!" he said. "First pirates, now talking parrots? What's next a singing dancing mouse with an amusement park? Whoo!"

"That's enough now, Bucky! Shoo!" said Long John, shoving Bucky away.

Jim and Calvin stared at each other.

"Right, me hearties!" continued Long John. "I'm going to give you a cook's tour of this ship."

By now, Hobbes had completely polished off the turkey. He lay back, holding his stomach.

"Oh, if you're gonna be making the meals, Mr Silver, I am definitely going to need…bigger…pants," he grunted.

Long John chuckled and opened the bottom half to the door as he grabbed a crutch and it revealed…

Jim and Calvin gasped.

…he only had one leg.

They stared at him.

"What's the matter, lads?" asked Long John.

Calvin and Jim stared.

"Oh, that?" asked Long John, pointing at the empty space. "Lost that to timber-fighting brigands off Madagascar under Admiral Hawke. There's many a man lost a leg and worse in the service of the king."

Jim and Calvin gulped.

Long John held up his hand, which didn't have any fingers!

"Why, look what a cannibal took off me in exchange for my own life!"

The two boys grimaced.

Then Long John unfolded his fingers, revealing them to be all there.

Long John chuckled happily.

Calvin and Jim laughed, but uncomfortably.

"Oh, you're a fine pair of lads, that you are," Long John said.

Just then, above them, a bell rang.

"All hands on deck!" shouted a voice.

"Come on then, lads!" Long John ordered, and he hobbled up the steps.

Jim followed.

Calvin helped Hobbes stand up, and then they ran after.

* * *

"Chop, chop! Look lively, now!" ordered the first mate. "The captain will be here soon."

Everyone was chattering and scattering.

Jim pulled Squire Satchel aside.

"Who's that?" he asked, pointing at a round man in a yellow uniform.

"Oh, that is Sergeant Arrow," explained Satchel. "He's the first mate. But we usually just call him Sarge."

Off in the distance was a trumpet fanfare.

Sarge jumped.

"The captain approaches!" he said dramatically.

Everyone looked at the dock.

Indeed, they could see two horses pulling a carriage down the road.

"Move aside! Make way! Make ready for the captain!" he ordered. "Lollygaggers will suffer his wrath!"

"Wrath?" asked Calvin. "Is ol' cappy an angry guy?"

"_Angry guy_?" Sarge said mockingly. "The man is a raging volcano tormented by inner demons mere mortals _can not fathom_!"

Everyone stared at him.

"I'll take that as a kind of," said Calvin.

Sarge groaned and stalked off.

By now, the horses had brought the carriage to a halt in front of the ship.

Everyone on deck watched anxiously.

The door opened.

It revealed a man standing there with a hard look on his face.

"Ooh," whispered Squire Satchel.

Then the mean-looking man stepped aside to reveal…a beagle dressed in full captain garb.

"Hey, everybody!" said the beagle.

Everyone stared at him.

"What—?" Hobbes stuttered.

"_That's _the raging volcano?" asked Jim. "He's a dog!"

"Maybe he's got rabies," Hobbes suggested.

As the dog approached, Sarge blew a whistle.

"Piping aboard Captain…Abraham…Snoopy!" he said dramatically.

"Hey, Sarge," Snoopy said.

Snoopy walked past and started to examine the ship.

Sarge stared, and then checked the ship's railing.

It was dusty.

"I knew it! He's furious!" he whispered.

Sarge whipped around and saw a skinny man wearing a green uniform with a green cap over his eyes.

"You there!" he shouted, grabbing him around the neck. "You were in charge of the railing dust. I'm gonna beat the tar outta ya, and then you'll walk the plank!"

Snoopy looked back at him.

"I didn't say that, Sarge," he said.

"I was anticipating your whim, sir," Sarge replied.

"Well, go anticipate it someplace else, huh?"

Sarge snorted, letting Beetle go, and then stormed away.

Snoopy approached Jim, Calvin and Hobbes.

"Ah, you must be the cabin boys," he said.

"Yes, sir!" said Calvin, doing a full salute.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Which of you is the Hawkins boy?"

"I am, sir," said Jim.

Snoopy paused to look at him.

"I knew your father, Jim," he said. "He was a good man. Didn't exactly dress nice, but still a good man all around."

"Thank you, sir!" said Jim.

Snoopy walked away.

Long John chuckled and patted Jim on the back.

"Well, this is shapin' up to be a fine voyage, lads," he said cheerfully. "Oh, _yes indeed_."

Calvin nodded and chuckled nervously.

"Yeah, ha, ha, ha," he said.

Then he yanked Jim down so they could talk levelly.

"Uh, one leg, _Jim_," he muttered. "Count 'em. _One_. Remember what Billy Bones said."

"Oh, Calvin," said Jim. "He seems all right. I mean, Long John's only a cook. How dangerous can he be?"

Calvin shook his head.

"Well, I don't know, but I—" Then he froze. "—wait, why am _I _the one being skeptical? That's _Hobbes'_ job! And where _is _Hobbes, anyway?"

Hobbes was standing at a cash register at a plank that led into the ship, and several cats had lined up to climb on board.

Hobbes took some cash from a cat.

"Enjoy your cruise, sir," Hobbes said.

Then he turned to the others.

"_NEXT!_" he sang.

The next cat came up and handed him some cash.

"All right, folks. Have your checks made out to CAT TOURS LIMITED. Ooh, why thank you, Mr Hairman. _Next_!"

"Hobbes, what are you doing?"

Hobbes whirled around and saw Calvin glaring at him.

"What?" Hobbes asked innocently.

Calvin pointed at the cash register angrily.

"Oh, this?"

"Yeah, this."

"Well, I figure that if the treasure map's a dud, the trip won't be a _total_ loss…financially speaking, of course."

Calvin groaned.

"Why are you scamming? That's _my_ shtick!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes and resumed.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Snoopy looked at the sky.

"Ah, the wind seems to be freshening," he said. "The tide is with us. Sarge, we can leave now!"

"This voyage…has…begun!" said Sarge. "Raise the gangplank."

People on the dock removed the plank onto the ship.

"Let go forward line!"

Beetle Bailey pulled a rope holding the ship down free.

"Let go aft line!"

Jeremy Duncan pulled the other rope free.

"Hard to starboard! Any men caught dawdling shall be shot on sight!"

Snoopy sighed.

"You're having another one of those testosterone rushes, aren't you?" he asked.

"I was just paraphrasing."

Snoopy rolled his eyes.

"Sarge, just set the sails."

"SET THE SAILS!" Sarge ordered.

"_Quietly_," Snoopy hissed, holding his floppy ears.

And once the sails were set, the ship slowly started to sail away.

"We're off!" whooped Calvin.

"Onward to somewhere!" added Hobbes.

And they sailed onwards.


	4. The Crew

**ALL: **When the course is laid and the anchor's weighed, a sailor's blood begins racing. With our hearts unbound and our flag unfurled…

**DR GARFIELD: **We're underway and off to see the world!

**ALL: **Underway and off to see the world! HEAVE HO! WE'LL GO ANYWHERE THE WIND IS BLOWING!

**POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: **Manly men are we…

**ALL: **SAILING FOR ADVENTURE ON THE DEEP BLUE SEA!

"Safely now, Mr Silver!" ordered Sarge. "Let's not get sloppy just because we're singing!"

"Aye, aye, Sarge!" laughed Long John.

**ALL: **Danger walks the deck, we say what the heck? We laugh at the perils we're facing.

**CALVIN: **Every storm we ride is its own reward!

**HOBBES: **And people die by falling overboard.

**ALL: **People die by falling overboard! HEIGH HO! WE'LL GO ANYWHERE THE WIND IS BLOWING! HOIST THE SAILS AND SING…!

**SQUIRE SATCHEL:** Sailing for adventure on the big blue wet thing!

In the far corner of the ship, three of them were chattering evilly.

**BUCKY: **I love to see 'em cry when they walk the plank!

**ZERO: **I prefer to cut a throat.

**HAGAR: **I love to hang 'em high and watch their little feet try to walk in the air while there faces turn blue.

Then they noticed that Sarge was standing over them.

**ZERO: **Uh…just kidding.

**BUCKY, ZERO & HAGAR: **It's a good life on a boat.

**ALL: **There are distant lands with burning sands that call across the ocean.

**CATS: **There are bingo games every fun-filled day!

**FEMALE CAT: **And margaritas at the midnight buffet!

**ALL: **Margaritas at the midnight buffet! HEIGH HO! WE'LL GO ANYWHERE THE WIND IS BLOWING!

**ROY AND BERNIE: **Should have took a train!

**ALL: **SAILING FOR ADVENTURE ON THE BOUNDING MAIN!

**JIM: **The salty breezes whisper. Who knows what lies ahead? I just know I was born to lead the life my father led!

**LONG JOHN: **The stars will be a compass wherever we may roam. And our mates will always be…just like a family…and although we may put into port, the sea is always home!

"All right, Mr Bimbo!" Squire Satchel said to his finger. "I didn't know you had such a good singing voice." He held the finger up to his ear. "You're welcome."

**ALL: **We'll chase our dreams standing on our own over the horizon to the great unknown. HEIGH HO! WE'LL GO ANYWHERE THE WIND IS BLOWING! BOLD AND BRAVE AND FREE! SAILING FOR ADVENTURE!

**HOBBES: **It's so nauseating!

**ALL: **SAILING FOR ADVENTURE!

**CALVIN: **So exhilarating!

**ALL: **SAILING FOR ADVENTURE!

**CAT TOURISTS: **We're all celebrating!

**ALL: **ON THE DEEP BLUE SEA!

* * *

Sarge began blowing a whistle.

"Roll call!" he shouted.

He picked up a list and started to read from it.

"Long John Silver?"

"Aye, aye, Sir!"

"Short Stack Nermal?"

"Aye!"

"One-Eyed Jack?"

"Aye!"

"Black-Eyed Pea?"

"Yea!"

"Walleyed Pike?"

"Aye!"

"Bucky Katt!"

"Eh?"

"Hagar the Horrible?"

"Aye."

"Beetle Bailey?"

"Aye."

"Old Tom?"

"Aye, aye!"

"Real Old Tom?"

"Aye!"

"Dead Tom?"

"Aye, aye!"

"Zero?"

"Huh?"

"Headless Bill!"

There was no response.

Sarge looked up and searched the crowd.

"Headless Bill?"

Snoopy and Sarge then saw a man with no head standing in the crowd. He saluted.

Sarge returned to the list.

"Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brian?"

"Aye!"

Snoopy and Sarge's mouths dropped.

It was a woman.

They snapped out of it and resumed.

"Angel Marie?"

"Aye! Aye!" a gruff reply came.

Snoopy held his paws behind his back and started nodding with a blank expression on his face. Then he faced the main crew.

"Gentlemen?" he asked. "May I see you all in my office, like, say, now?"

The others nodded.

* * *

"WHO HIRED THIS CREW?!" Snoopy shouted as he sat at table with the others gathered around. "THIS IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE SEEDIEST BUNCH OF CUTTHROATS AND VILLAINS I HAVE EVER SEEN, SO WHO HIRED 'EM?!"

As he caught his breath from shouting, everyone pointed at Squire Satchel.

Squire Satchel pointed at his finger.

Snoopy stared at him.

"Your _finger_ hired the crew?" he asked.

"_No_!" Satchel laughed. "That's silly. The man who _lives _in my finger hired the crew, Mr Bimbo! He's a _genius_!"

Then he brought his finger to his ear and paused.

"Ohhh…," he said. "He says he relied heavily on the advice of the cook, Long John Silver!"

Snoopy sunk into his chair.

"A cook and a guy who lives in a mutt's finger?" he asked.

"Exact-actly!" Squire Satchel said cheerfully.

Snoopy and Sarge groaned.

"I'm starting to worry about this voyage," Snoopy sighed. He addressed Jim. "Jim, I know Billy Bones gave you the treasure map, but I hope you'll give it me for safekeeping."

Jim shook his head and tucked the map into his vest.

"I'll be careful with it, sir," he said.

Before Snoopy could object, there was a knock at the door. Jim opened it, and in hobbled Long John, pushing a cart with trays on it.

"Beggin' yer pardon, gentlemen," he said cheerfully, "but I've come with a bit of a treat for you. Tis my very own best brandy laid down by the brewers of Buckfast Abby, Vintage 1327, to toast to a prosperous voyage!"

As he poured the glasses, Dr Garfield whispered to Odie.

"He's prepared to give liquor to a bunch of kids and animals?" he whispered.

Odie shrugged.

"Spiffy!" Squire Satchel said, taking a glass.

"I'm sorry, Mr Silver, but there is no drinking to be allowed on this voyage," said Captain Snoopy.

Squire Satchel stopped before the glass reached his lips.

"Oh," he said. "Well, rules are rules." And he poured the liquid out the window.

"Oh, but sir, 'tis a tradition for the officers to toast to the success of a voyage!"

Squire Satchel began to refill his glass.

"Oh, very true," he said.

"No," said Snoopy. "We must set an example for this crew that got picked out from _Hank's Hoodlums_. There is to be no consumption of alcohol on this voyage."

Squire Satchel shrugged and poured his drink out the window again.

"But sir, I can vouch for this crew myself!" Long John said. "You can sail to heaven and back with these men."

Squire Satchel poured his drink again.

"Well, I'm afraid I must disagree with you," said Snoopy firmly.

Squire Satchel sighed and poured his drink out the window again.

"Ack!" someone shrieked.

Some of the cat tourists poked their heads inside.

"You wanna knock it off with the booze? It's peeling the paint off of the shuffleboard court!"

"Sorry," said Squire Satchel.

They left.

"And that is final!" said Captain Snoopy. "It is not safe to drink and sail."

Long John nodded.

"I understand, sir," he said, almost forcing it out. "I shall tend to my duty, and see to it that every drop of alcohol is thrown overboard."

"Yeah, _that's_ looking out for the environment," said Dr Garfield. "Now all the fish are gonna be drunk."

"C'mon, Jim," said Long John, taking the cart away. "Don't bother Captain!"

Jim glanced at Snoopy.

"You can go if you want to, Jim," Snoopy said with a smile. "Make sure he does what he said he'd do."

Jim nodded and followed after Long John.

Calvin and Hobbes got up to follow him, but Jim didn't see them and shut the door before they could. They stopped in their tracks.

"Well!" said Calvin. "I guess the _normal people _want to hang out together!"

"I've never been so insulted!" Hobbes added.

They both snorted angrily.

* * *

Late that night, the ship sailed through the waters that were the ocean.

Jeremy Duncan, Hector Garcia, Tim Olsen, Sara Toomey and Pierce were playing a slow song in their band. The cat tourists were all dancing to it while the crew got some sleep.

But up above, Long John and Jim were watching the ocean go by at the back.

"I'm sorry your present didn't work out," said Jim.

Long John scoffed.

"Ah, Jim," he said knowingly. "Captain Snoop travels by rules. That's what bein' a captain's all about. Me, I sails by the stars."

"Stars?" asked Jim.

Long John looked up at the sky.

"North, Jim," he said. "Find me north up there among them stars."

Jim promptly started to pull out the compass.

"Well, that's easy," he began, but Long John took it away and dangled it over the edge.

"Ah, but what if you didn't have a compass?" he chuckled.

Jim reached for it.

"Long John, please don't drop it!" he cried. "It was my father's! It's all I have left of him! Please!"

Long John settled and handed it back to him.

"I'm sorry, lad," he said somberly. "I were only foolin'…"

Jim nodded and put the compass back in his pocket.

"How old were you when he died then?"

"Seven."

Long John raised an eyebrow and glanced down at him. Then he looked back at the sky.

"I were eight when my father died at sea," he said at last. "First Mate, he was."

Jim looked up.

"My father was the First Mate too!"

Long John looked down at him, surprised.

"Was he now? By the powers, what a coincidence!" he grinned.

As he chuckled, he turned around to another point of the sky and pointed.

"See that star, Jim? That be Polaris, the North Star," he said. "Even in the China Sea, that north."

Jim pointed at it.

"North, Polaris?" he repeated.

Long John nodded.

Jim thought.

"Then…we must be heading southwest," he concluded.

Long John chuckled happily.

"Smart as paint, you are lad," he praised. "Smart as paint!" Then he paused. "Now, that gets ol' Long John to wonderin'… Why would we be sailin' southwest?"

Jim shifted uncomfortably.

Long John continued. "The scuttlebutt around the crew is that we're sailing for buried treasure…and that someone on board…has a map…"

Jim didn't look at him.

Long John paused, but got nothing.

"Course, it be none of my concern, Jim," he said at last, letting it go. "I'm just a ship's cook! Such matters are best left to Captain Snoopy. He runs this ship, not I."

Jim grinned.

"Come on, Long John. You could captain this ship," he said.

Long John grinned sneakily.

"That I could, Jim," he said. "Maybe someday I will."

And they both chuckled as the watched the stars go by.

And down below, the music came to a gentle halt.

* * *

In his office, Captain Snoopy was looking at a picture fondly. A voice rang through his mind.

_Oh, Snoop, my love for you is deeper than the deep blue sea,_ the voice said.

Captain Snoopy held the picture to his chest as he looked out the window. He saw a shooting star fly by.

And the ship sailed onwards.


	5. The Torture

About a week later, the voyage was ready to start

A few days later, Jim and Long John were fooling around. Jim had his crutch, and Long John was trying to catch him.

They passed Calvin and Hobbes, where sitting near a window peeling apples.

"Hey, Jim!" said Calvin.

"Hey, Long John!" said Hobbes.

But neither one of them were noticed.

They sighed.

"At least _one_ of us is having a good time," Hobbes grumbled.

"Eh, it's not so bad," said Calvin. "The guys said they'd tie me to the ship's mast and let me swing from it! That should be good!"

"I'll be sure to watch it," said Hobbes, shaking his head. "I dunno about this crew. I feel like they're always watching us."

"Ah, I'm sure that's just a figment of your imagination."

Suddenly, Bucky, Zero and Hagar snuck up behind them and dragged them below decks.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!" they screamed.

* * *

"This is the first figment of my imagination to tie me to a support beam," Hobbes commented angrily.

Calvin simply shrugged from his stretching rack. "You're really missing out, imagination-wise," he replied.

Bucky walked around them.

"Now then," he said. "Tell us where the map is, OR WE'LL TEAR YA LIMB FROM LIMB!!"

Hobbes whimpered, but Calvin remained brave.

"Never!" he said. "My friend and I will never tell! You'll have to drag the information out of me like rotten tooth in a dead horse's mouth!"

"Ooh, that's a good idea," Bucky grinned, pulling out a pair of pliers.

Hobbes' eyes bugged out.

"WAIT!" he shrieked. "There could other ways to get us to talk! You know, maybe under the correct circumstances, maybe we'll sing like a canary!"

They all looked at him expectantly.

Hobbes fumbled through his brain. "Er… I… Well… Ah… Uh… Erm… Uh… M-Maybe they'll give us stuff, like comics and tuna! Lot's of tuna!"

"Never, you stripy fool!" Hagar retorted.

Hobbes scowled.

"Oh, just because you're not stylish…," he snorted.

"Hey, this is what all the Vikings are wearing this season! Just look at this genuine Viking helmet!"

"Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was a bike helmet for a _cow_!"

"Why you…!"

"Enough of this stupid banter! Stretch the kid, Hagar!" Bucky ordered.

"Yeah!" Calvin cheered. "Do it to me!"

Laughing evilly, Hagar began cranking the ropes and stretching Calvin out.

"YES!" Calvin crowed. "Oh! _Yes_! Ah, that feels good! _Oh_! That disk popped right back in! Yes!"

Hobbes shut his eyes tight as he listened to Calvin.

"Yes!" Calvin cheered. "Look out, Michael Jordon! I can wear shorts now!"

Bucky scowled.

"He's too optimistic!" he grumbled. "Let's torture the tiger!"

They all crowded around Hobbes.

"HELP!" Hobbes screeched. "MOMMY! DON'T DO IT! I CAN'T STAND BASKETBALL! SHORTS AREN'T FLATTERING ON ME! _DANGER!!_"

Zero pulled a hot metal pole out from the fireplace. It was red hot at the tip.

"Yes!" he said, walking over to him. "Nice and hot."

"NO! Don't do it! My fur will catch fire! HELP!"

"I've got a great recipe for blackened cat," he said, holding the pole out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" Hobbes screeched, bracing himself.

Just then, Sarge came in. He saw them all and gasped.

Everyone froze.

"What on Earth…?" he asked. "What are you idiots doing?!" he demanded.

Zero attempted to hide the pole by hiding the top part in his hand, but he burned himself.

"Ouch!" he cried, promptly licking his palm.

"What now, you wuss?!" Bucky shouted.

"MY HAND IS BURNED! KISS IT AND MAKE FEEL BETTER!"

"Get away from me!"

Zero began chasing Bucky around the room, pleading for someone to fix his burnt hand.

Calvin and Hobbes watched with interest.

"The latest form of torture: idiots," Calvin commented.

Sarge rolled his eyes.

Calvin was now enjoying his tallness from the stretcher, and Hobbes, Dr Garfield and Odie were trying to help him get back to normal.

"Get back! Stay away!" Calvin shouted. "I like being tall!"

"Calvin, it's not natural!" Hobbes replied. "Let us shrink you back!"

"Never!"

"Grab him!"

Hobbes and Odie grabbed at Calvin's legs. Dr Garfield began looping lots of ropes around his legs.

Meanwhile, Captain Snoopy had Bucky, Hagar and Zero brought before him.

"Sergeant Arrow, lock these men off for the remainder of the voyage!" he ordered.

"Yes, sir," said Sarge, pushing the three pirates to the brig.

"You can't hold us!" Bucky screeched. "Attica! Attica!"

Zero simply started crying.

"Oh, stop it!"

"My hand still hurts," he wailed.

"Stay away from me!"

"I need a band-aid!"

As they disappeared below the ship, Snoopy turned to Jim, who was nearby.

"Master Hawkins, may I see you in my cabin please?" he asked sternly.

Jim nodded and followed him.

By now, Dr Garfield and Odie had attached Calvin to the top of the mast and to the ship's deck. He had been stretched that far.

"Okay, Odie, tie off the rope!" Dr Garfield ordered.

"Arf!" said Odie, who tied off the rope that held Calvin in place.

"You're sure you can do this?" Hobbes asked.

"Nope," said Dr Garfield. "But then again, what is science but a big truckload of luck and coincidence?"

"Really stupid?"

"Bingo!"

Dr Garfield cut the ropes with a pair of scissors.

_**TWANG!**_

Calvin sailed into the air, and somehow, it managed to shorten back to his normal height. He seemed to roll up into himself like a window shade. He dangled from the mast.

"Whoo!" he cheered.

Then he let go, and he crash-landed on Odie.

_**WHUMP!**_

Dr Garfield stared at them.

"Job well done, boy," he said at last, smiling in satisfactory.

"That was _great_!" Calvin whooped.

Odie managed to get his head out of his shirt and shook himself off, resuming his dopey look and slurping Calvin.

"Ack!" Calvin cried. "Stop it."

Odie just grinned dopily and drooled on his own foot.

"He is truly a man of science," Dr Garfield said, grinning wryly.

* * *

Jim sat in Captain Snoopy's office.

"Jim, listen," Snoopy said sternly. "I really hope you're willing to give me the map now, considering what's just happened."

Jim remained stubborn.

"I'd rather not, sir," he said.

Snoopy sighed and shook his head.

"I hoped it wouldn't come to this, Jim, but…as captain, I order you to give me the map," he said, holding out a paw.

Jim hesitated, but he finally handed over the map.

Sarge entered at that time.

"Sergeant Arrow, lock up this treasure map," Captain Snoopy ordered.

Sarge nodded and took the map. He locked it up in the cabinet.

"It shall be safe in here, sir," he said, tucking the keys away in his pocket.

And the ship sailed onwards.


	6. The Loss

About a week later, the voyage was ready to start

The crew of the ship sat on the deck of the ship. There was no breeze today.

Calvin and Hobbes were sprawled across the deck.

Dr Garfield was getting a tan. Odie was panting heavily.

Squire Satchel was making paper dolls.

The sun was pouring down upon them.

Long John and Jim were roasting in the galley down below.

Everyone was on edge.

"It's been six weeks since we left England," one of them moaned.

"Five days since we had a breeze," said another.

Beetle Bailey was sweating like mad at the helm.

"Oh no," a crewmember cried, getting up. "I've got the madness! I GOT CABIN FEVER!!"

Another one jumped up.

"I GOT IT TOO!" he shouted.

"CABIN FEVER!" everyone shouted.

Suddenly, music began to play. It was a conga!

**BEETLE BAILEY: **I got cabin fever! It's blowing in my brain!

**DR GARFIELD: **I got cabin fever! It's driving me insane!

**CREWMEMBERS: **We got cabin fever! We're flipping our bandanas! We've been stuck at sea so long that we have simply gone bananas!

Lights flashed and the ships became a ship of insane people doing congas with fruit on their heads. It was a much tripped out Mexican thing, you know?

**CREWMEMBERS: **We got cabin fever! We lost what sense we had. We got cabin fever. We're all going mad!

Then it became a western.

**JEREMY DUNCAN: **Swing your partner by the ears and tie him to the wheel. Dozy doe, step on his toe and listen to him squeal! Allemande left! Allemande right! It's time to sail or sink! Throw your partner over the side, toss him in the drink!

Then it became a mambo.

**CREWMEMBER: **We've got cabin fever.

**CREWMEMBER: **No ifs, ands or buts.

**CREWMEMBERS: **We're disorientated and demented and quite a little nuts.

Then it became a yodel.

**CREWMEMBERS: **Ach du liebe Volkswagen Car. Sauerbraten, Wiener schnitzel und wunderbar! We were sailing, sailing, the wind was on our side.

**REAL OLD TOM: **And then it died!

The conga came back.

**CREWMEMBER: **I've got cabin fever! I think I lost my grip!

**CREWMEMBER: **I'd like to get my hands on whoever wrote this script.

Then it became a big Broadway number.

**ALL: **CABIN FEVER HAS GRABBED US ALL ABOARD! THIS ONCE PROUD VESSEL HAS BECOME A FOATING PSYCHO BOARD! WE WERE SAILING, SAILING, TO WHEREVER KNOWS WHERE, AND NOW THOUGH WE ARE ALL, WE'RE NOT ALL THERE!!

And the insanity continued for a moment until someone shouted something.

"Look! The wind is back!"

The minute that wind hit those sails, everything and everyone snapped back to normal with no memory of what they just did.

* * *

Down below in the brig, Bucky and Hagar were running cups against the bars of their cell while Zero was looking around curiously.

"Let us out of here!" Bucky shouted angrily.

"ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!" Hagar added.

As they shouted pathetically, the door to the brig swung open, and Long John appeared. He wore a rather neutral expression as he stared at them.

Bucky was the first to notice him.

"Hey, Long John!" he shouted. "Get us out of here!"

Zero finally snapped out of his daze.

"Hey, Bucky?" he asked.

"What?"

"What was that song that we just heard?"

Bucky stared at him incredulously.

"WHAT ARE YOU YAMMERING ABOUT?!" he demanded.

"You know that whole… _Cabin Fever, ha, cha, cha, cha!_ …That."

There was a bit of a pause as they stared at him, confused.

"You see, John?!" Bucky cried. "You gotta get us out of here! Zero's gone crackers! Bananas! Flipped his wig! Left his lights on! Help us!"

Before Long John could reply, Jim entered the room with a tray of food. He cleared the way so that Jim could set it down on a barrel in front of the cell where they could get it.

"There you go," Jim said. "Your bread and water for today."

They stared at it with disgust.

"But…," Hagar whined. "But I ordered Shrimp Scampi."

"IT'S MORE THAN YE DESERVE, YE VILLIANOUS _DOLTS_!" Long John roared.

Bucky, Zero and Hagar leapt back into the cell in terror.

Long John pulled Jim aside.

"Oh, Jim," he said sadly. "By rights, I should be locked up too for lettin' thieves like them aboard this ship. Oh, it chills me that they almost killed yer little friends lookin' fer some daft treasure map."

Jim nodded.

"None of this would've happened if I had let Captain Snoopy have the—"

His speech grinded to a halt as he realized what he was saying.

Long John's ears perked up.

"Er, I mean…," Jim stuttered, trying to cover, but it was too late.

Bucky, Hagar and Zero listened intently.

"What, lad?" Long John asked.

Jim sighed. "I'm not sure I should be talking about this with you or anyone."

"You mean…you've really_ got_ a treasure map?"

"Not anymore. Sergeant Arrow took it and locked it up in the Captain's Cabin. You must promise to keep it a secret."

Long John grinned reassuringly.

"Oh, don't bother yer head about that. Ye only told ol' Long John," he chuckled, patting Jim's shoulder. "Now ye run along and do yer chores. Go on."

Jim smiled and started to leave the brig, and he checked Long John.

Long John responded by grinning and flashing a thumbs up.

Jim left, feeling better.

Once he was gone, Long John began to formulate the next part of his plan.

* * *

Late that night, a thick fog came down. The ship looked ghostly as it sailed through it.

"Ooooooooooh." A ghostly howl rang out.

Sarge was inspecting the ship.

"Safely," he said. "Safely now."

"Ooooooooooh."

Sarge walked along the deck near the helm, and found Angel Marie at work at the wheel.

"Ooooooooooh," Angel said.

Sarge rolled his eyes.

"Don't crash," he ordered, and he continued along the ship.

As he stopped to watch the fog, he heard someone approach him. He turned to look.

"Oh, Mr Silver," he said. "Good evening."

Long John settled down at Sarge's side.

"Wicked fog tonight, Sarge," he commented.

"You could cut it with a knife," Sarge replied.

"Reminds me of the night we ran aground off the pampas. Half the crew drowned in leaky lifeboats. Ah, t'were a terrible shame."

Sarge's his head slowly turned towards Long John as fear began to settle in.

"Leaky lifeboats, you say?" he asked slowly.

Long John struggled to hide a smirk.

"Oh, a common occurrence, sir," he said. "A little-used piece of equipment falls into disrepair and becomes, shall we say…?"

"Unsafe?" Sarge asked nervously.

Long John allowed the smirk to show itself.

"Oh, I'm not sayin' our lifeboats are unsafe, sir," he grinned. "I'm not sayin' we got problems…"

Sarge tried to appear assured.

"You're right," he said. "We're probably fine."

There was a pause.

Finally, he snapped.

"I think I'm just gonna check anyway," he said, finally scurrying down the stairs towards the lifeboats.

Long John smirked and followed him down.

Minutes later, he was lowering the Sarge down in the lifeboat, just low enough that it skimmed the water, but it wasn't released.

Sarge began to inspect the small wooden boat.

"Hmmm," he commented. "The caulking appears tight. No dampness under the gunwale. This one seems seaworthy!"

Long John continued to be the only one keeping Sarge from drifting away.

"Oh well, sir, they do, of course, until you get them out into the open ocean," he said, planting more thoughts into the Sarge's head.

Sarge seemed to consider this.

"Cast me off, Mr Silver!" he ordered.

"Oh, yes, sir," Long John replied. Then a thought seemed to occur to him. "Oh, sir, is there anything I can hold for you for safekeeping? Your hat? Your coat? Your…keys?"

Sarge looked up in surprise.

"My keys!" he gasped. "Of course! If they were to fall overboard, it would be disastrous."

And with that, he removed his hat and placed the keys inside, handing them to Long John.

"Very good, sir."

Sarge got himself settled and pulled the oars out.

"Cast me off, Mr Silver!" he ordered again.

"Aye, aye, sir!" Long John replied, and he released the rope.

The lifeboat fell to the water, and Sarge began to row it away.

"Thank you, Mr Silver!" he called.

Long John smirked as he pulled the keys out of the hat.

"Just doin' my duty, sir!" he replied, saluting.

And he began to cackle to himself proudly.

"Oh, yes, John," he grinned.

* * *

The sun came up the next morning, which was only natural, right?

A rooster crowed, which on a ship _wasn't _very natural.

A shout rang out.

"MAN OVERBOARD!!"

Captain Snoopy sleepily got down from on top of his doghouse that he'd had installed in his cabin, and he grumbled to himself.

"Somebody better be dying," he muttered grumpily.

When he opened the door, he saw one of his crewmates. He was holding the Sarge's hat.

Snoopy's eyes burst open.

"Uh-oh," he muttered.

* * *

The entire ship gathered at a podium.

Captain Snoopy stood behind said podium, and he solemnly removed his hat.

"And so, my friends," he said sadly, "the sea has claimed another victim."

* * *

While this was going on, Zero was struggling to unlock the cell door with the keys they'd smuggled.

"Come on, come on," he muttered.

He was satisfied by a click that caused the cell door to swing open.

"Okay, after you Hagar," he said politely.

"No, no, after you," Hagar replied.

"No, I insist, after—"

"WILL YOU TWO DEMOCRATIC WUSSIES GET GOING?!" Bucky shouted, shuffling past them.

* * *

"Sergeant Arrow, a wonderful man who believed that if you chased a man long enough and beat him to a pulp, he'd actually learn to respect you."

* * *

They snuck into the Captain's Cabin and started to search.

"Okay, now spread out and find the map," Bucky ordered.

They all nodded and started to search the doghouse in the middle of the room.

* * *

"May the wind be ever at your back, Sarge," Snoopy said, saluting the sea. "Rest in peace, my friend. Amen."

"Amen," the crew murmured.

* * *

Using the keys, they managed to unlock the cabinet and found the map inside.

"BWA-HA-HA!!" Bucky suddenly exploded.

"Sshh!" Hagar hissed.

"Sorry, had a spasm."

They grabbed the map and relocked the cabinet.

"Ooh! Ooh! Lemme see! I wanna look!" Zero cried, reaching for it.

"No, no! We gotta take it to Long John!" Bucky replied.

And they scuttled out of the room.

And the ship sailed onwards.


	7. The Mutiny

That afternoon, Calvin and Hobbes were in the kitchen, sitting in a barrel and eating apples.

"Do you think an apple a day really keeps the doctor away?" Calvin asked.

"Probably not," Hobbes replied, taking a bite. "They're loaded with pesticides."

Calvin shrugged and continued eating.

"You know, it feels so weird," he said with a sigh.

"You mean how the Sarge is dead?" Hobbes asked sadly.

"Well yeah, and my pants are filled with starfish."

Hobbes stopped in mid-munch and stared at him before finishing and swallowing.

"You and your hobbies," he sighed, shaking his head.

"Hey, you try keeping busy on the ship!"

Suddenly, Jim appeared at the mouth of the barrel.

"Guys!" he said sternly.

"ACK!" they cried.

"What are you doing in here?!"

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Um, we're…," Hobbes started.

"APPLE INSPECTION!" Calvin interrupted.

Jim rolled his eyes.

"Jim, we've missed you!" Calvin cried.

"Yeah, climb in!" Hobbes added. "It's surprisingly roomy! Clearly a TARDIS in disguise!"

"Can't," Jim sighed. "I'm doing my chores."

"Oh, come on! Share an apple!"

"I can't!" Jim insisted.

And they both grabbed him and pulled him inside.

"Hey!"

Seconds later, the door burst open, and they heard three sets of footsteps.

"Okay, here's the plan!" Bucky said.

"I say we kill that captain now!" Hagar.

"And then we get that Canadian twit mutt!"

"Ooh! New chew toy!" Zero said.

The three of them cackled.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

They continued laughing until Zero casually noticed someone.

"Oh, hi, Long John," he said.

They all stopped laughing and gasped.

Long John stood menacingly over them.

"I'm an easy man," he grumbled. "A gentleman of fortune says most. But it makes me sick at heart to sail with the likes of you. Now get this straight: If anyone mutinies before I says so, I'll throw you overboard like I did that scurvy mate, Sarge! I says, let the captain steer us closer to the island. I've got the lad's treasure map now. When I say the time is ripe, we'll _kill 'em all_!"

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes had all lost control of their jaws, causing them to fall open in shock. They could only sit there, horrified.

They all began laughing and cackling outside.

It was silenced when they heard someone outside shouting.

"LAND HO!"

They all got excited.

"C'mon, lads!" he shouted, and he led them outside, laughing all the way.

As soon as the laughter faded away, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes dared to poke their heads out of the barrel and look.

There was a pause.

"Just when you think you know someone," Calvin muttered.

"You know, he asked me if I'd lend him money the other day," Hobbes added. "I don't feel guilty about saying no now."

Jim simply stared ahead in shock.

* * *

The ship continued sailing onwards towards an island that loomed in the distance. It was a massive jungle island that was covered in giant trees, tall grass, sand, rocks and various other things.

Roy and Bernie, still out on the front, laughed as they saw it.

"LAND HO!" Bernie shouted.

"Beachfront property!" Roy added.

"Retirement estates!"

"BIKINIS!"

And they laughed merrily.

Captain Snoopy stood at the helm with Beetle Bailey.

"THROW THE MAINSAIL! DROP ANCHOR! Bring her up hard to starboard, helmsmen. PREPARE TO LOWER THE LONGBOATS! GET THE KIBBLE OUT! I WANT MY SUPPER! IT'S SUPPERTIME! SUP-SUP-SUPPERTIME!"

The crewmen scattered about, hoisting the sails back up, lowering the anchor and preparing to head for the island. One by one, a crew headed for the longboats.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes snuck out of the kitchen and looked around nervously.

Snoopy gave orders for Beetle to help with the longboats just as Jim ran up.

"Captain, I must speak with you!" he whispered.

"In a minute, Jim. WHERE'S MY SUPPER?!" he shouted.

"But Captain, we just heard! Long John is planning a mutiny, and they've got the map!"

Snoopy stopped in surprise and stared out at the crew.

"I see," he said. "Well, that sort of puts a crimp in my day."

"What do we do?!" Hobbes asked, panicking.

"I say we scour 'em all!" Calvin shouted, giving the entire crew a sinister look.

Hobbes sighed. "Keep him away from the swords," he whispered.

Snoopy nodded thoughtfully. He thought for a moment, and then seemed to get an idea.

"Mr Silver?" he shouted.

Long John looked up.

"Aye, aye, captain!" he shouted.

"Mr Silver, I want you to take the crew ashore at once! We need water and provisions. Take as long as you want."

Long John stared.

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes gawked.

The crew cheered.

"SIR!" Long John grinned. "Tis a task to my liking, sir! That it is!"

Snoopy nodded firmly, and then turned back to the others.

"Have you gone completely off your doghouse?!" Calvin hissed.

"Boys, do me a favor and get the officers and bring them to my quarters," he whispered. "Quickly."

Catching on, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes hurried away.

"This better be good," Calvin muttered.

"Whatever," Hobbes sighed. "Let's make this quick."

* * *

Long John was able to sneak Bucky, Hagar and Zero aboard the longboat along with the rest of his crew.

"Well, I suppose it's only natural that mutt of a captain would let us go ashore," Bucky snorted. "Otherwise, I'd have had to get rough with him."

"Sure you would," Hagar muttered.

"I thought he was a purebred beagle," said Zero, looking back at Snoopy.

Long John rolled his eyes, and sneakily, he took his crutch and tossed it back onboard.

As Jim walked past with the officers to the Captain's Cabin, Long John called him.

"Jim, lad!" he called.

Jim stopped and saw him.

"There's room in the boat for one more! Come along for an adventure!"

Jim gulped.

"I can't, the captain wants me," he said.

"Oh, what a shame! I'll miss you, lad that I will."

Jim nodded and started to leave.

"Um, Jim!" Long John said, calling him back. "I seem to have left my crutch on board! Hand it to me like a good lad, will ya?"

Jim nodded and picked up the crutch and brought it over to him.

"Ah, it'll have to be a bit closer than that, I can't reach that far!"

Jim really should've known better, but he went closer anyway.

Once it was close enough, Long John grabbed the crutch and yanked it forward, pulling Jim along with it. Jim landed in the longboat with the pirates.

"Hey!" he shouted.

"Cast away, men! Be quick now!" Long John ordered.

They cast off the longboat, and, holding on to the thrashing Jim, rowed away from the ship.

* * *

Snoopy had gathered Calvin, Hobbes, Squire Satchel, Dr Garfield and Odie in the Captain's Cabin.

"The plan is simple," Snoopy explained. "We set sail and return in a year or so. By then, all the fight should be out of them."

They stared at him.

"Oh, is that the whole plan?" Squire Satchel asked.

"Yes."

"Wow. That _was _simple."

Dr Garfield pondered this. "Not a bad plan, Captain," he commented. "Gee, no lasagna for over a year. What a punishment."

Odie rolled his eyes.

Hobbes glanced out the window, and his eyes burst open.

"I have a very strong sensational suspicion this won't work," he commented.

"Oh, you're so negative. Why not, pray tell?" Calvin asked.

"The pirates have Jim!"

Calvin rushed to join him at the window and gasped.

"Those no good family stealers!" he said angrily. "Get back here with him!"

* * *

The pirates were cackling and laughing as they paddled the longboats towards the shore.

And as they paddled, a small motorboat went sailing past towing a cat wearing a life vest sailed by.

"I'm getting tired!" the cat shouted.

"What'd you say?" another shouted.

"I'm getting tired!"

"He says go faster."

"I'm getting _tired_!!"

And they sailed onwards.


	8. The Takeover

About a week later, the voyage was ready to start

A light jazz tune was being played amongst the rocks near the island.

The pirates were fooling around with a tied up and blindfolded Jim, who they were throwing amongst them as he tried to escape.

Jeremy, Hector, Tim, Sara and Pierce were playing their instruments in the rocks, wearing pirate outfits.

"Hey, dudes?" Hector called. "I can't figure out whose side we're on! Are we with the pirates or the dog captain?"

"Hey, man, don't worry about politics!" Jeremy replied. "Just play the gig!"

"Yeah, never get involved with politics. It's dirty," Pierce agreed before wailing on his drums.

The pirates continued to torture Jim, spinning the poor boy around relentlessly.

Finally, two of them grabbed both his arms while a third took the blindfold off of him.

Jim gulped as he tried to get his breath back.

Long John Silver stood before him in full pirate captain uniforms. He grinned evilly.

"Easy, Jim," he grinned. "Tis all in good fun! Pleased I am to initiate you into our enterprising…um…company!"

The pirates laughed.

"It entitles you to all the benefits thereof," Long John added.

"I don't want any benefits!" Jim cried, trying to free himself.

Long John got in real close.

"This is a one-time special offer, Jim, lad," he whispered. "Say no and I will be forced to terminate our relationship," he said, pulling out his sword for emphasis.

Jim continued to shake his head.

"You're nothing but murdering pirates," he spat.

"PIRATES?!" Long John shouted, making everyone jump. "HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" He quickly sobered. "Pirates. Oh, Jim. If that's what yer thinkin'…you're _dead_ wrong."

Then he began to sing.

**LONG JOHN: **When I was just a lad, looking for my true vocation, my father said, "Now son, this choice deserves deliberation. Though you could be a doctor, or perhaps a financier, my boy, why not consider, a more challenging career?"

**PIRATES: **Hey, ho, ho, you'll cruise to foreign shores!

**LONG JOHN: **Sing it, lads!

**PIRATES: **And you'll keep your mind and body sound by working out of doors!

**LONG JOHN: **True friendship and adventure are what we can't live without!

**PIRATES: **And when you're professional pirates…

**BUCKY: **…that's what the job's about.

"Upstage, lads! This is me only number!" Long John ordered, allowing the others to clear the way.

**LONG JOHN: **Now take Sir Francis Drake. The Spanish all despise him! But to the British, he's a hero and they idolize him! It's how you look at buccaneers that makes them bad or good. And I see us as brothers of a noble brotherhood!

**PIRATES: **Hey, ho, ho, we're honorable men, and before we lose our tempers, we will always count to ten.

**LONG JOHN: **On occasion there may be someone that we have to execute.

**PIRATES: **But when you're a professional pirate…

**ZERO: **…you don't have to wear a suit.

The pirates all glared at him.

"What?" Zero asked.

**HAGAR: **I could've been a surgeon. I like taking things apart.

**BUCKY: **I could've been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart.

**ZERO: **I could've been in politics 'cause I've always been a big spender.

**NEW YORK PIRATE: **And me, I could have been…a contender.

The pirates laughed. Bucky just rolled his eyes.

**LONG JOHN: **Some say that pirates steal and should be feared and hated. I say we're victims of bad press. It's all exaggerated. We'd never stab you in the back. We'd never lie or cheat. We're just about the nicest guys you'd ever want to meet!

As they hummed the tune, Long John turned to Jim.

"Well, look at us, Jim! We're a festival of conviviality!" he laughed.

"Yeah!" Zero laughed. "Congeniality!"

"Con_vivi_ality, stupid!" Bucky snapped.

"Yeah, that's what I said!"

Bucky groaned.

* * *

Squire Satchel, Dr Garfield and Odie lowered another longboat that contained Captain Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes.

"Lowering boat, O Captain, my Captain!" Squire Satchel said, lowering the boat.

"Excellent," Snoopy replied. "Watch the ship. If it gives you any back sass, send it to bed without supper. Cast off, Mr Odie!"

"Bark!" Odie replied, and he let the rope go.

Calvin and Hobbes began rowing.

"Thanks for coming, boys," Snoopy said.

"You kidding?" Hobbes grunted. "Jim's family!"

"Yeah," Calvin agreed, "and he still owes me ten bucks."

Hobbes glared at him.

Calvin smiled sheepishly.

* * *

Long John walked amongst the pirates, not taking his eyes off Jim.

"Tell the truth, lad," he said, still grinning. "Do you _really _think the captain and the squire are planning to share the treasure with the likes of us?"

Jim didn't answer.

"Can't here ya. No?"

Long John seemed to get angrier with each hobble he took.

"And we being the rightful owners," he added through his teeth. "Flint's own crew, who shed out own blood getting it here!"

Then a maniacal grin spread across his face.

"Join us, lad!" he cackled. "Donate your compass to the treasure hunt and get a full share!"

And the song resumed before Jim could answer.

**PIRATES: **Hey, ho, ho! It's one for all for one! And we'll share and share along with you and love you like a son! We're gentlemen of fortune, and that's what we're proud to be! And when you're a professional pirate…

**LONG JOHN: **You'll be honest, brave and free, the soul of decency! You'll be loyal and fair and on the square, and most importantly…

**ALL: **And when you're a professional pirate…

**LONG JOHN: **You're always in the best of company!

And the song finally ended on an assortment of horns.

After a pause, however…

_**BOOM!**_

A cannon blast was heard from the ship that made them all jump.

"Down!" Long John shouted.

"There!" Jim smirked. "Captain Snoopy coming to rescue me!"

Long John smirked back.

"Don't get yer hopes up, laddie," he replied. "I've taken the liberty of hiding a few of my best men aboard. If a second round follows, it means they've taken over the _Hispaniola_, and I'm the new cap'n."

The pirates laughed slimily.

"Now then…"

And Long John held a hand to his ear.

They all listened.

_**BOOM!**_

Jim's head jerked up.

The pirates cheered happily.

Long John merely shrugged.

* * *

The pirates on board the _Hispaniola _pulled their cannon back aboard, and they finished tying up Squire Satchel, Dr Garfield and Odie.

Once that was done, they left tied to a post in the brig.

Dr Garfield glared at them, and then at the other two.

"Alright," he grumbled. "Which one of you dumb mutts forgot to load the guns?"

Odie pointed at Squire Satchel.

"Well…?" Dr Garfield asked.

"Well, I thought someone might get hurt," Squire Satchel said sheepishly.

Dr Garfield grunted. He pondered where it all went wrong in his life.

"Well, who's for Eye Spy?" he sighed, resigning to his fate.

Odie barked happily.

* * *

With a swift swing from his sword, Long John cut the ropes that held Jim's hands.

"I'm the only friend you've got left in the world now, Jim," Long John said, putting his sword away. "Let's dig up the treasure together, eh? Shipmates, remember?"

Jim didn't reply. He just looked hurt.

"We'll be needing your compass, though," Long John continued.

"No," Jim said.

Long John sighed. "I be takin' it either way, Jim," he said.

Jim sighed, and he reached into his pocket and pulled out the compass and handed it to Long John, who swung it triumphantly on the end of it's rope.

The pirates cheered.

"Come on then, lad!" Long John laughed. "Let's not waste time!"

And they marched onwards.


	9. The Marooned

About a week later, the voyage was ready to start

Captain Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes walked through the jungle near the beach.

Snoopy was carrying a lantern and Calvin brandished a machete to clear a path.

"Well, it's too dark to do anything now," Snoopy said, stopping in a clearing. "We'll catch some shuteye here and start again in the morning."

And removing his hat, Snoopy lay on his back on a log, settling in.

Hobbes whimpered as he settled in for the night.

"Hobbes, what's with you?" Calvin asked as he buried the machete in the sand. "We're out in the jungle! We're in your element!"

"_My _element doesn't include a bunch of pirates waiting to kill us," Hobbes replied, trying to get comfortable while he shivered.

"Good night, boys," Snoopy said, turning out the lantern, engulfing them in complete darkness.

"Good night, Captain. Good night, Hobbes," Calvin said, getting comfortable and going to sleep.

"Yeah, good night," said Hobbes, who had no intentions of going to sleep just yet. He had a long night of being nervous ahead of him.

There was a pause for five minutes.

Then Hobbes heard a heavy breathing. It was accompanied by grunting.

"C-C-Calvin?" Hobbes stuttered. "Is…is that you?"

The grunting got louder, followed by a slight growl.

Hobbes was getting more and more nervous, but he was in a state of denial.

"Boy, Calvin, it sounds like you've got a little cold there. Either that, or you're having a bowel movement."

The grunting and growling got even louder.

"Uh, you know what? I think I'm gonna light a match. Just for fun, you know what I mean?"

The growling continued.

"It's perfectly natural to light a match," Hobbes continued, still fumbling. "I just want to light one before bed. It's kind of a hobby of mine."

And Hobbes frantically pulled out a match and struck it against a rock.

With the newfound light, he saw a tribe of savage natives.

There was no point in being brave now, so he immediately started screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" he wailed.

Calvin and Snoopy woke up and started screaming too.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" they hollered.

The natives descended upon them.

* * *

A tree up ahead had four skeletons hanging from it. There were nooses around their necks.

"Long John! Look!" Hagar cried.

Long John chuckled when he saw them.

"Flint hung 'em up there after he gullied 'em," he chuckled, "to mark the trail to the treasure."

The pirates groaned nervously.

"Wicked sense of humor, ol' Flinty had," he grinned.

Zero gulped.

"This is a sign!" he cried. "This is a cursed place!"

Long John grinned.

"Well, _there's _an informed opinion," he said sarcastically.

Zero looked shrunk under the weight of the insult.

Long John rolled his eyes and looked at Jim.

"Alright, Jim, lad!" he called. "Where to from here?"

With a knife near his neck, Jim read from the map.

"On a heading of one hundred seventy-nine degrees, walk three hundred twelve paces from where the dead men hang high."

The crew groaned.

"Oh, that is _sick_!" Bucky grimaced.

Long John checked the compass and turned in the appropriate direction.

"That way!" he ordered, leading the way.

"Oh, mommy," Zero groaned.

"I always thought I'd die in a bar," Hagar grumbled.

* * *

The leader of the savages stood over Captain Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes.

"Howdy, _vous_, beagle leader and friends," he grunted.

Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes were tied to three stakes.

"I am Spa'am, High Priest of the Boars! You mucho wickedness go trespass on island! Now you suffer the wrath of our _queen_, Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal."

Hobbes gulped.

"You know, when I thought about my own personal demise, being sacrificed by a bunch of wild savages before their queen never really came up," he said.

"Meh, life's full of surprises," Calvin replied, looking quite bored.

"Silence, smelly sailor mans!" Spa'am ordered. "You have violated sacred island!"

Snoopy thought it time to speak up.

"Pardon me, sir, but I am Captain Snoopy," he said calmly. "We don't mean any harm. We're just three good men who want to rescue our friend, and maybe a quick bite to eat at your local gas station, but that's it."

"SILENCE!"

"…is golden," Snoopy finished.

"Bring forth…Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal."

And he turned away from him.

"Ooh, this is gonna be fun," Calvin muttered.

A loud gong was heard crashing nearby.

_**GONG!**_

"Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal," the tribe chanted. "Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal."

The chanting went on and on.

Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes kept getting more and more nervous.

"Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal."

Up above, a bunch of cat tourists were watching from their outdoor restaurant with interest.

"These floor shows are so exotic!" one said.

"Yeah, and the food is to _die _for!" said another.

"Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal. Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal-a-Kal."

The chanting continued for several minutes as the entire tribe marched in circles, and they began for patterns. They carried torches, played drums, and threw flowers.

An elephant carrying a carriage marched through the alignment of natives. It was covered in flowers.

Singing could be heard.

Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes were released near the end of the song, forced down onto their knees.

"Boom! Sha-Kal-a-Ka-a-a-a-a-l…"

The elephant had stopped at the top of a tall stairway.

From within the flowered carriage, a young girl wearing flowers turned around to face them. She was plain-looking, with freckles, brown hair, and (get this) a pair of green sandals.

"Hello, boys," she said coyly.

Snoopy looked up at the sound of her voice, and he gasped when he saw her.

"Come on, Flaubert," she said to her pet anteater.

The anteater got up as she did, causing her to stumble and fall down the stairs.

Everyone watched in surprise as she tumbled down.

"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH!!" she shrieked.

And she landed on her back near the bottom of the stairs, followed by her anteater.

Flaubert began to lick her face.

"Get off of me, you stupid anteater!" she shrieked. "You ruined the whole entrance! We spent weeks preparing for that!"

The tribe began to chant again.

"Boom! Sha-Kal-a-Kal. Boom! Sha-Kal-a-Kal."

"TAKE FIVE!" she shouted.

There was an incredibly awkward pause as she regained her composure.

She finally noticed Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes.

"Hey," she said. "I'm Benjamina Gunn, resident maroonee, temptress and queen of the…"

She trailed off when she finally focused on Snoopy.

Calvin and Hobbes glanced at him, noticing how startled he looked.

Snoopy got up and approached her.

They both stared at each other.

"Snoop?" she gasped. "Is…is it _you_?"

"Benjamina…," Snoopy said, a smile taking over.

After a brief moment of gawking…

_**POW!**_

Benjamina's fist connected with Snoopy's big nose and sent him hurtling backwards through the air, crashing into the gong.

_**GONG!**_

The cat tourists cheered.

Calvin and Hobbes stared in shock.

Snoopy managed to get up for moment.

"Old girlfriend," he said weakly, before passing out again.

Benjamina then glared at Calvin and Hobbes.

"Tie 'em back up!" she grunted.

* * *

The pirates continued to trudge through the jungle.

Jim was counting.

"…306…307…308…309…310…311…3_12_," he sighed, finally looking back up at Long John, who'd been pushing him along.

They'd arrived at the mouth of a cave that had weeds hung over the entrance.

"This is it," Long John breathed, staring at it.

Bucky, who was holding a pickaxe, was shivering.

"Not that I'd buy into that, but just what do we do if Zero was right?" he asked, trying to be brave. "What if it is…cursed?"

Long John glared at him.

"I'll show you what I think of your _curse_," he grumbled, drawing his sword. With each word, he hacked at the weeds. "You mewling little lily-livered toffee-hearted little wuss of a feline!"

With the mouth of the cave opened a little more, Long John hobbled his way inside, followed by Jim and the other pirates.

Finally, they came to a spot in the ground.

Jim saw the red X on the map.

"The treasure's buried here," he announced.

But when he lowered the map, he saw that the treasure _wasn't _buried, but merely in a hole in the ground.

The pirates all gathered around the chests in shock. They all chattered amongst themselves.

"Oy! We don't even have to dig it up!" one of them cried.

Long John looked a bit shifty now.

"All right, boys! Let's get that treasure!" Bucky crowed.

They all dove into the hole and started to smash open the chests.

Long John and Jim watched.

One of the chests was opened, followed by two more.

They were all empty.

The cheering turned into confused mumbling.

Long John had a hand at his gun.

Bucky glared up at him.

"There's no treasure, you fibber!" he shouted. "You brought me away from my nice warm bed for nothing! And now we'll get tried for mutiny!"

The pirates angrily growled in agreement.

"I say…," Hagar said, "…we kill him!"

All the pirates drew their swords and started towards him.

Long John pulled his guns out.

"Run, lad!" he shouted. "Save yourself!"

Jim immediately ran a few feet before he realized what had just happened.

"Why are you doing this for me?" he demanded.

"Because I like you, boy! I hope ye don't think I was lyin' about that!"

There was a pause as they smiled at each other.

The shouting suddenly got louder as the pirates began to attack Long John.

"Run!"

And Jim ran out of the cave just as two gunshots rang out.

And he ran onwards.


	10. The Rescue

It was late at night now.

Captain Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes were still tied to the stakes.

Spa'am finally returned with some of his men.

"Take white, floppy-eared one away," he ordered. "Others stay. Chop, chop!"

The men immediately untied Snoopy and began taking him away.

"Hey, wait!" Calvin shouted. "Bring him back! Don't take him!"

Hobbes gulped as he watched them boil some water.

"Oh, I wish we were back at the Admiral Bimbo eating table scraps," he mumbled.

"Ha! We're about to _become _table scraps," Calvin snorted.

Hobbes threw his hands up in annoyance.

"I cannot believe this! I have a good mind to complain to Animal Services!"

Then he realized something. He'd thrown his hands up! There were bits of rope sliding off of them.

"Hey, I'm cut loose!" he cried.

"Yeah, what else is new?" Calvin said, rolling his eyes.

"Hiya, guys," a voice said.

"ACK!" they both cried.

Then they saw it was Jim, and he was now cutting Calvin free.

"Jim!" Calvin whispered. "They've got Captain Snoopy!"

"I know. Come on, we're gonna get help."

"Where're we gonna go?!" Hobbes asked.

Once Calvin was cut free, Jim led them away.

* * *

At a small lagoon, the pirates had captured Long John and had tied him to a tree.

One of the pirates was sobbing over the dead body of another.

"Oh, Tom, Tom, Tom," he wailed. "Dead Tom's dead!" he said angrily. "LONG JOHN SHOT HIM!" And he began to sob again.

The other pirates stared at him awkwardly.

One finally stepped forward.

"But…but Dead Tom's _always _been dead. That's why he's called _Dead Tom_," he said.

There was a pause.

"Oh," the pirate said, dropping the skeleton on the ground.

"Okay, let's hurry this up!" Bucky shouted. "I'm missing my programs! Zero!"

Zero stepped forward.

"Yeah?"

"Give it to him!"

Zero hesitated.

"But…it's not even his birthday," he said unsurely.

"THE PAPER, YOU SIMP! GIVE HIM THE PAPER!"

Zero had to think about it again before he finally understood.

"Oh, Gotchya!" he said triumphantly.

And he approached Long John, chuckling as he handed him a piece of paper.

"This is for you," he said kindly.

Long John looked at the paper, staring at the single black dot that took up the entire page.

"The Black Spot?" he asked.

"Yeah," the pirates growled.

"You _dare_…to give _me_…the _Black Spot_?!" he growled back, twice as menacingly.

Zero grew nervous.

"But…but he told me to!" he insisted.

"Shut up, fool!" Bucky hissed.

"And," Long John continued, rage growing, "it's drawn on a page from the Bible?! You tore a page from the Holy Scriptures to make a pirate's death sentence?!?"

Hagar, who was holding said Bible, immediately shoved into Zero's hands.

Long John suddenly began to chant.

"OH, THE RED HOT GATES OF HELL ARE CREEPING OPEN!!"

The pirates groaned in terror while Zero looked around in confusion. He couldn't see any gates.

"SATAN IS HEATIN' HIS POKERS FER YOU, YOU BLASPHEMOUS HEATHENS!"

They all began to whimper.

"FALL DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR DELIVERANCE FROM DAMNATION!"

They all dropped to their knees and begged for forgiveness, weeping and bawling.

Long John calmed down long enough to roll his eyes.

"There," he said. "You're forgiven."

They all began to weep even more.

"NOW UNTIE ME! AND LET'S! GO! FIND! _THE TREASURE_!!"

They all ran to untie him.

Zero began to hug him.

"Oh, you are a good man!" he cried. "You are a kind man! You're a handsome man!"

"Precious," Bucky whispered.

"Oh! And you're precious!" Zero continued.

"Beautiful."

"And he's beautiful!"

* * *

It was almost morning now. The sun was beginning to come up.

Calvin and Hobbes were leading Jim back to the longboat they'd used, only to find that the natives had destroyed it.

"Oh great!" Calvin complained. "And we don't even have any insurance!"

"I don't think NationWide would cover savage islanders anyway," Hobbes grunted.

"Great," Jim sighed. "We're going to have to swim to the ship."

"Swim?" Hobbes demanded. "Swim to the ship that's infested with even _more _killer pirates?! I think _not_! I refuse to set foot in that water until a better plan comes along."

There was a brief pause.

Jim looked around and then saw something in the water.

"Look!" he gasped, pointing.

Calvin and Hobbes looked up, only to be completely gobsmacked.

Another longboat was rowing towards shore, and who else should be aboard but Sergeant Arrow!

"Yes," Sarge was saying. "The gunwale and keel are definitely safe."

They were overcome with joy and relief.

"Sergeant Arrow!" they shouted. "Over here! Help us!"

Sarge looked up in surprise and grinned.

"Oh, hey there, boys!" he shouted. "Come and join me on the _exceptionally _safe little boat!"

They ran over to him as he brought the boat ashore.

"By the way," he said, as Jim waded into the water. "That Silver guy may not be the most trustworthy man I've ever met."

"Yeah, no kidding," Hobbes snorted.

* * *

Captain Snoopy sat before Benjamina at her rock-made throne.

"Of all the backwater, no-class piles of sand in the ocean, you had to wash up on mine," she complained, sounding both angry and sad.

Snoopy shifted uncomfortably.

"Look, Benjamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry," he said nervously.

"Sorry?!" Benjamina shouted. "Oh no you don't, Snoop! Sorry doesn't work here! You left me standing _at the altar_!"

Snoopy squirmed.

"Had a feeling that would come up," he muttered quietly.

"My mother came all the way from Pittsburgh! I was wearing her dress! The cake was filled with ice cream for crying out loud!"

Snoopy had to do something before she either started yelling or crying.

"Mina, what if fate brought us back together again?" he asked. "And if not fate, how about buried treasure and pirates?"

"Oh, don't start about pirates!" Benjamina grunted. "After you _jilted _me, I got together with some Captain Flint! The man was _totally_ codependent."

Snoopy stared.

"You and Captain Flint?!" he cried.

"And do you know what he did?!"

"Um, he said it _did _make you look fat?"

"HE MAROONED ME HERE!"

And she immediately started weeping.

So, crying it was.

Snoopy tried to think of something, but nothing came to mind except what did.

"I'm _so _sorry," he said, hoping he sounded sincere this time.

Moments later, they heard the sounds of laughter.

It was cackling and mocking laughter.

Snoopy turned around nervously and saw…

…Long John and his pirates.

"Bravo, Cap'n!" Long John mocked.

The laughter continued as he approached them.

"Touchin' reunion, Benjamina," he hissed. "This seems to be yer day fer renewing old…acquaintances."

"Hey, Johnny," Benjamina said, glaring at him.

Snoopy jumped in surprise.

"What, him too?!" he cried.

"Well, if you'd just married me!"

"What's that got to do with it?!"

Their bickering continued until Long John got bored with it and pulled his gun.

"Now I'm not gonna be really patient, Benjamina," he growled. "Where is the treasure?"

Long John didn't notice the tribe gathering at the top of the ledge overlooking them.

Snoopy and Benjamina did.

"I…just may not tell you," she said decidedly.

Long John smirked.

"Oh, don't play games with me, lass," he chuckled. "I tell you, I'm not a patient man."

_**SHOOM!**_

A spear suddenly came in between, sticking itself into a rock.

The pirates gasped and looked up.

Spa'am was leading his troops.

"Stop! Give up now, weak and tiny pirate mans, or die like stinking dogs."

The tribes cheered in agreement.

Long John fired a single shot from his gun.

_**BLAM!**_

The feathery hat that Spa'am was wearing exploded off of his head.

There was a pause as colored feathers floated to the ground.

"Hmmmm," he said. "We see you have boom-boom sticks."

He thought about this.

"Bye-bye," he said.

And the tribes ran off, shouting and whimpering.

Benjamina sighed in annoyance, covering her face.

"Oh, brother," she groaned.

"Now, Benjamina," Long John said, aiming the gun back at her.

"_What_?"

"Where's the treasure?"

She looked at him.

"There is no treasure!" she said, promptly using Snoopy as a shield. "It was a trick!"

"Then where did you get that gold necklace you're wearing? The one made of Spanish Doubloons?"

Benjamina's mind raced for an idea.

"Uh…Shopping Channel?" she suggested.

Long John glared.

Then he burst out laughing.

They all started laughing.

After a minute of this, Long John grabbed Snoopy by the collar.

* * *

The _Hispaniola _continued to wait for the Captain, whoever it may be, to return. Until then, the pirates were sprawled about the deck, doing menial things and chattering.

Down below, being careful not to be seen, Jim, Calvin, Hobbes and the Sarge found a way in through a cannon hatch. As quietly as they could, they slid inside the ship.

Still tied to a post, Dr Garfield, Odie and Squire Satchel continued to struggle with the ropes.

Squire Satchel looked at his finger angrily.

"Why not make yourself useful?!" he demanded at Mr Bimbo. "Why don't you save us? DO SOMETHING!!"

A hand slapped over his mouth.

It was Jim.

"Oh, finally!" Dr Garfield whispered. "Twelve hours of Eye Spy and one hour of struggling really makes one famished."

"Bark!" Odie said, giving Calvin a big wet slurp.

"Ick!" Calvin cried. "Stop it!"

"I should've let _him_ live in my finger," Squire Satchel said, glaring at his own finger.

* * *

Jim poked his head through the hatch from the galley to see the pirates sitting idly. He then ducked back down to check on the others.

"Well?" he asked.

"All set, Jim," Dr Garfield said. He was holding powder puff in his paw.

"Do you really think this'll work, Dr Garfield?" he asked.

"You bet, kid. According to recent polls, a majority of pirates are _very _superstitious."

Odie nodded in agreement.

"What's that mean?" Satchel asked.

"It means most pirates are idiots," Dr Garfield explained.

"Oh, good!"

They had covered the Sarge in white powder and seaweed, and he was now slowly going up the stairs.

The pirates looked up and stared at him in shock.

"Boogie, boogie, and boogie!" he said in a deep voice. "I am the ghost of Sergeant Arrow!"

There was a dramatic pause as the pirates were frozen with fear.

"BOOGIE!" he shouted.

"AAAAAAGGGHHH!!"

The pirates screamed and hollered as they ran for safety, and they finally all jumped overboard.

_**SPLASH!**_

Now in control of the ship once again, Calvin, Hobbes, Jim, Dr Garfield, Odie and Squire Satchel ran back up onto the deck.

"Come on! We've gotta save the captain!" Jim cried.

As they congratulated Sarge, Calvin stepped forward.

"So what do we do now? Jim?" he asked. "What's your verdict? Got the cure for the Common Pirate?"

Jim paused to think.

"Weigh anchor?" he asked.

"Weigh anchor!" Sarge shouted, cleaning himself off.

Calvin and Hobbes set to work.

"Set the sails!" Jim continued, now more confident.

"Set the sails!" Sarge added.

Dr Garfield and Odie set to work at that.

Jim then turned to Squire Satchel.

"And _you_, Squire Satchel," he said sternly.

Squire Satchel thought he was going to berate him about hiring a bunch of pirates.

"Now, now, Master Hawkins, I didn't know that…"

"You take the helm."

Squire Satchel stopped squirming and grinned.

"Oh! Ha, ha! Yes, sir! Step aside, Mr Bimbo!" he said, talking to his finger as he headed for the helm.

Calvin and Hobbes ran to a sideways wheel and began to run around, pushing the handle, trying to bring the anchor up.

"Hurry, Hobbes!" Calvin cried. "Lives are at stake!"

"I'm hurrying!" Hobbes replied, pushing with all this might.

And they sailed onward.


	11. The Battle

Captain Snoopy was not having a good day. He was hanging by his feet from a rope that was looped over a tree branch tied to a stake. Between the two was a fire that was slowly burning through the rope.

The pirates laughed as he dangled there.

Benjamina watched sadly.

"Snoop!" she cried.

Snoopy groaned as he felt his spine pop slightly.

"Let my beagle go!" Benjamina cried.

"Don't tell them anything!" Snoopy cried. "They'll only kill you! Don't listen to them! They're probably crossing their fingers right now!"

Long John turned to Benjamina.

"Now!" he shouted.

She jumped in surprise, facing him.

"For the last time, where's the bloody treasure?!"

The pirates yelled.

Benjamina didn't talk.

Long John drew his sword and went to cut the rope.

"STOP!" she shrieked. "Stop! Desist! Halt! Pause! Rewind!"

They stared at her.

"The treasure's at my place! North trail, split-level hut with the pink lawn furniture! You can't miss it! NOW LET HIM GO!"

Long John grinned before laughing again.

* * *

Benjamina now dangled upside-down beside Snoopy.

"There seems to be a pattern emerging here," Benjamina muttered.

Snoopy chuckled nervously.

"Well, the past is behind us now," he said, "and the future is…below us…or above us. We're upside down. It's kind of hard to tell."

Benjamina began to whimper.

"Well, hey, we're going down together!" Snoopy said assuringly. "Yeah, that's looking at the bright side, isn't it?!"

"Yeah, Snoop. Despite it all…" And she began to whimper again.

There's a song here, but it's really sappy. Let's just say they rekindled their relationship.

And there was a montage in which the pirates find the treasure after all.

It's a win-win situation.

_**SNAP!**_

Oh right, except that bit.

Benjamina's rope snapped, and she started to fall, but Snoopy was able to grab her feet.

She screamed for ten seconds before she realized she'd been rescued.

"Snoop, you sly dog! You saved me!"

Snoopy would've replied, but he was too busy trying not to explode as he tried to hold onto her.

* * *

"Come on, men!" Long John shouted. "It's back to Blighty now, lads! The treasure's all ours!"

They were all chattering and shouting as they went back to their longboats with six chests of gold and treasure.

But as they gleefully loaded the boats, the _Hispaniola _suddenly came out of hiding from behind the rock face of the island.

Bucky was the first to see.

"OH! SWEET CRACKER SANDWICH! LONG JOHN! THE SHIP IS COMING!" he screamed.

Long John stared in disbelief.

"What're they doing?!" Hagar cried.

"There's no one on board!" Zero gasped.

Long John pulled out his telescope and looked.

The ship looked so majestic that Long John would've though it a beautiful sight if he'd been someone else and everything was completely different.

"It's headed straight for us!" Bucky cried.

"It's the ghost of Captain Flinty!" Zero shrieked.

"He's coming to kill us!" Hagar wailed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!"

Screaming and blubbering, they all ran away, leaving Long John by himself.

"COME BACK, YOU COWARDS!" he shouted, but they didn't.

He glared at the ship.

"_Hawkins_," he hissed with a slight smirk on his face.

* * *

Jim, Calvin and Hobbes were hiding on the deck, making sure the pirates didn't see them.

Calvin noticed something.

"Look!" he whispered. "It's the dog! And the Captain's with her too!"

Hobbes and Jim gasped.

Snoopy and Benjamina were dangling from the rope.

"Good grief!" Hobbes breathed.

"Head for the cliffs!" Jim ordered.

Sarge nodded and turned towards Squire Satchel.

"Head for the cliffs, Squire!" he ordered.

"Aye, aye!" Squire Satchel replied, turning the wheel.

Dr Garfield and Odie arrived and stared.

"Oh great," Dr Garfield muttered. "C'mon, Odie, let's get the net. Get the fishing rod and the trash bag on standby."

"Arf!" Odie replied, and he headed below.

* * *

Long John found the pirates shivering under some bushes.

"GET BACK THERE, YE YELLOW-BELLIED BILGE RATS! I'M NOT LOSING THAT TREASURE NOW! GET OUT THERE!"

Whimpering and complaining, the pirates hurried out of the bushes.

* * *

Dr Garfield, Odie and Sarge stood at some ropes.

"Lowering net!" Dr Garfield announced.

As they loosened the ropes, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes directed the net where Snoopy and Benjamina could land in it.

"A little to the left!" Calvin directed. "Gently now! Easy… You're good! Right there!"

"We're coming, Captain Snoopy!" Jim shouted.

Snoopy and Benjamina both whimpered, dangling from the rope.

"Steady! Steady!" Jim ordered.

"Careful! We've still got to take the cat tourists home!" Hobbes wailed.

The fire was already burning through the last of Snoopy's ropes.

"Good grief!" Snoopy whimpered.

_**SNAP!**_

The ropes gave out, and Snoopy and Benjamina fell through the air towards the ship.

"We've got 'em!" Jim cheered.

"Here they come!" Calvin cried.

They watched as Snoopy and Benjamina fell through the air…

…and missed the target completely, falling to the front of the ship instead of the side.

"AUGH!" they screamed.

_**THUD!**_

Calvin and Hobbes gasped and ran to the front to see where they'd landed. Their eyes burst open in shock.

Roy and Bernie, still at the front of the ship, were holding Snoopy and Benjamina in their wooden hands.

"Bernie, you old fool!" Roy laughed. "We're heroes! We saved the girl and the dog!"

"Well, it was too late to save the movie," Bernie replied.

And they both started laughing.

"Welcome aboard, Captain Snoopy!" Jim shouted.

"And welcome to your lady friend as well," Sarge added.

"LOOK OUT!" Hobbes suddenly shrieked.

In all the excitement, they'd forgotten to stop the ship.

The pirates on the beech started screaming and running away from it as it came towards the shore.

The ship skidded into the sand and stopped so suddenly that Snoopy and Benjamina flew through the air and landed in the shrubbery.

Everyone aboard was tossed around.

Spitting and groaning, Snoopy and Benjamina safely emerged from the shrubbery.

Sarge immediately jumped onto the side of the ship holding two swords in one hand, and he grabbed a rope with the other.

"The captain must have his sword!" he stated.

And he swung to the shore.

"Whoa!" Hobbes gasped.

"Awesome!" Calvin cried.

Jim immediately followed in suit by grabbing a rope and swinging down.

"YAAH!" he yelled, swinging deftly to the ground.

As the pirates began to draw their swords, Sarge ran towards Snoopy.

"Captain!" he shouted, brining him a sword.

"FIGHT, YOU IDIOTS!" Long John shouted.

Sarge hurried towards Snoopy, but he had face off a pirate on the way there, defeating him easily by stomping on him.

Snoopy had to duck down to avoid by stabbed with a spear.

"Captain!" Sarge shouted.

"Yo!" Snoopy shouted back.

"Here!" And he threw him a sword.

Grinning, Snoopy caught it in his paw and began to fight back. He sliced the spear in two. In a flash, he was suddenly out of his uniform and wearing a hat, scarf and goggles.

"Here's the World War I Flying Ace engaged in a sword fight on enemy lines!" he said.

Benjamina head-butted a pirate.

"Alright!" she shouted. "No more Ms Nice Guy!"

She approached a pirate who was carrying some gold.

"No one maroons me and gets away with it!" she roared.

She kicked the treasure out of his hands, and then quickly drop kicked him. Then she kicked another in the shins before tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Captain Snoopy and Sergeant Arrow were soon fighting side-by-side.

"Good to see you alive, Sarge!" Snoopy shouted.

"Thank you, Captain!" Sarge replied.

Suddenly, three more ropes from the ship came flying down.

On the first one was Squire Satchel, who landed with a thump on two more pirates.

Once he was down, Hobbes deftly and lightly landed on top of him, immediately leaping off of his back in pounce mode, and attacked another pirate, causing them both to roll across the ground. Hobbes managed to fling the pirate into a rock.

Calvin swung on the third one, this time wearing a dark red mask and cape.

"Ha!" Calvin cheered. "It is I! _Stupendous Man!_ Defender of the good! Fighter of evil!"

Jim suddenly ran past and began to sword fight with Zero and another pirate. Zero kept accidentally hitting his crewmate as well.

As Calvin watched, he was snuck up on by another pirate about his height.

"You dare sneak up on Stupendous Man, you coward?!" Calvin snorted, facing him. "_Mi casa es su casa_."

The pirate grinned. "Ah, I shall make _cheese _out of you! Come on!"

"I shall now perform a trick taught to me by some guy I saw in a karate movie!" Calvin said, ignoring him.

Calvin crossed his arms across himself and reached into his pockets, and he deftly pulled out two starfish, and he flung them through the air.

They caught the shoulders on the pirate's shirt and pinned him to the ship wall.

Then Calvin ripped out two more, pinning his legs to the ship as well.

"Triumph!" he shouted. "Stupendous Man away!"

And he ran off to find someone else to fight.

Long John observed as Jim fought off another pirate.

"Come on, Jerry! He's just a kid!" he shouted.

Jim continued to block and kick with all his might.

Zero came to help, but he missed and accidentally sliced Jerry's rear.

Jim and Zero then began to swordfight.

However, Jim then was attacked from the rear, but he flipped the new attacker over his head and thumped his on ground.

Now frightened, Zero put his hands up.

"Okay, I give! Uncle! I'm dead!"

And he fell to the ground, cowering.

Jim rolled his eyes and ran off. He joined Calvin in sword fighting some more pirates.

Squire Satchel clutched his sword as he cowered in the brush, but another pirate appeared.

"Oh! Oh!" he cried. "Mr Bimbo! Help!"

The pirate tried to attack him, but Squire Satchel was able to turn his sword in the correct positions each time as he covered his eyes.

Back on the ship, Dr Garfield and Odie were putting the cannon in place, and seeing Squire Satchel's plight, they aimed it at the pirate attack him.

"Okay, Odie, just like we practiced, okay?" he asked.

"Bark!"

"Good, and this time, not too much gunpowder."

"Arf!"

Squire Satchel tried to keep up his fighting stance with one paw and cover his eyes with the other.

"Am I soup yet?" he whimpered.

The pirate wouldn't relent.

_**BOOM!**_

A cannonball sailed in and hit the nearby tree. It came down on top of the pirate, rendering him unconscious.

"Good boy!" Dr Garfield cheered.

"Arf!" Odie agreed, giving him a big wet slurp.

Squire Satchel finally dared to look. He stared at the mess in amazement.

"Mr Bimbo!" he said to his finger. "That was some amazing swordplay! Ha! Ha!"

Snoopy and Sarge were now cornered up against the ship by two pirates, but they continued to fight valiantly.

Suddenly, they saw Beetle Bailey running towards them with a huge log.

"Heads up!" Snoopy shouted.

Beetle swung the log around…and bashed the pirates unconscious.

_**WHAM!**_

As they fell to the ground, Snoopy and Sarge stared at Beetle.

"Uh, thanks," Snoopy said. "But…aren't you on their side?"

"Are you kidding?" Beetle snorted. "Those guys have the _worst _healthcare plan! _Either help or die_? Give me a break!"

Sarge growled.

"Why you…," he grumbled. And he began to chase Beetle, as was their little joke.

"Run, Beetle! Sarge is on your heels!" Snoopy shouted.

As they ran however, they heard a shrill voice from above.

"COWABUNGA!"

They saw Bucky swing in on a rope…and missed them completely.

_**WHAM!**_

He swung into a tree.

Getting up, he swung his fists dizzily.

"C'mon, fight! Fight! Where are ya…?" he asked.

Sarge and Beetle responded by kicking him back into the tree again.

Benjamina finally beat up the last pirate standing between her and Long John.

"And as for you…," she growled.

Long John pulled out his gun.

"Ah," she said, whimpering. "Well, maybe we can let you off with a warning."

"Silver!"

They looked up.

Snoopy, still wearing his scarf and goggles, stood there, holding his sword.

"Here's the World War I Flying Ace squaring off with the Red Baron at long last!" he growled.

Snoopy then jumped atop his nearby doghouse, which he promptly flew through the air until he was considerably closer to Long John, jumping off it and landing in front of him and knocking his gun out his hands with his sword.

"Ha! Why don't ya pick on somebody your own size?!" Snoopy declared, raising his goggles.

Long John chuckled and drew his own sword.

_**CLANG! CLANG!**_

They grunted and fought, swords colliding with each other.

Snoopy then managed to tap the sword along Long John's outfit, causing buttons, pips and his Captain's outfit to fall off, revealing his cook's uniform underneath.

"Ha-_ha_!" Snoopy chuckled.

Long John stared at him in disbelief.

Snoopy then sliced bits of sleeve and clothing off of Long John.

"Ha, ha!" he laughed, who was now showing off.

Long John was now getting a little flustered.

"Ha!" he laughed. "Not bad for a beagle, eh?"

And he began flinging the sword around cockily.

Long John got annoyed.

"Excuse me," he said quietly.

"Pardon?"

At that moment, the sword flew from Snoopy's grip and flew through the air, just barely missing stabbing the pirate Calvin had pinned earlier.

Sarge and Beetle groaned and covered their eyes.

Bucky was just getting up when Sarge, not even looking at him, kicked him back into the tree.

Snoopy stared, and then faced Long John again, clearing his throat.

"Oh, um… Well, I'm a dog, you see… No thumbs."

Long John smirked and chuckled, bringing the sword's tip to Snoopy's throat.

"You know, violence has never been the key," he gulped.

"Really?" Long John sneered. "Allow me to disagree, Cap'n."

Suddenly, another sword appeared aimed at Long John, and Jim was at the other end.

"Kill Captain Snoopy and you'll have to kill me," he stated boldly.

Long John's eyes widened.

Calvin stepped forward; now back in his normal clothes and also holding a sword.

"Kill Jim and you'll have to kill me," he said.

Squire Satchel held up his own sword.

"Kill Calvin and you'll have to kill me!"

Now Hobbes arrived.

"Kill Squire Satchel and Mr Bimbo and you'll… I can't believe this… You'll have to kill _me_!"

Dr Garfield and Odie arrived, also brandishing swords.

"Same here, pal."

"Grrrrrr…"

Realizing his only options, Long John turned to go, but he was cut off by Benjamina and her tribe.

"Going somewhere, Johnny?" she grinned.

Now he was down to one option.

Long John looked Jim right in the eye.

"Well, Mr Hawkins," he said, grinning wryly. "It seems your little family has come together against me."

And doing the only honorable thing he'd done this entire adventure, Long John Silver handed Jim his sword and surrendered.

And they trudged onwards.


	12. The End

The pirates sat in the brig miserably.

"We're doomed," Hagar muttered.

They all groaned sadly.

"Well, I, for one, feel better about myself," Zero said. "And I believe I have learned a valuable lesson!"

And they quickly began to beat him to a pulp.

"Okay, I said something wrong! Stop biting me!"

In the cell next door, all by himself, Long John sat, waiting for his execution. He absentmindedly slid his hand into his pocket, and he felt something cold and metal inside. He pulled it back out.

Sergeant Arrow's keys were still in his pocket.

Long John grinned a satisfied grin as he tucked them away for later.

* * *

That night, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes were sound asleep in their quarters.

The sound of keys rattling managed to awaken Jim.

The sounds of a thud and a splash prompted him to get out of bed.

Jim scurried out of his quarters and crept down the stairs to the deck, and peeking through the poles, he saw someone in a longboat.

"Silver!" he gasped.

Long John had taken as much of the treasure as he could and loaded it into a longboat, and now he was planning to make his escape. The pirate stared at Jim in surprise before slumping back into the boat.

"I suppose you'll be blowin' the whistle on me now, Jim," he asked.

Jim was holding a whistle in his hand.

"I suppose I will," he said. "You have to go to Bristol to stand trial."

Long John chuckled, reaching for something in his pocket.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jim," he said, pulling out his gun. "I got a real fear of hanging."

Jim continued to bring the whistle to his lips.

Long John continued to aim the gun at him, but he was growing worried.

"We're shipmates, aren't we Jim?" he bargained. "Gentlemen of fortune together? Give us one more chance?"

But the whistle was already in Jim's mouth, and he was trying to summon the strength to blow.

Long John tried to hold the gun up, but it was no good.

Neither one wanted to hurt the other.

"Oh, hell, Jim," Long John moaned, his voice cracking as he putting the gun away.

Jim put the whistle away.

"I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me."

"I learned it from my friends, Mr Silver," Jim said, beginning to cry. "Now take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again. Ever."

Long John was hurt, but he agreed, and he sat back down in the boat, reaching for the oars.

"Oh, Jim!" he said, picking something else up and throwing it.

Jim caught it and clutched it.

It was his father's compass.

"Tis a shame, really. We would've made a great team, Jim."

And he rowed away into the fog.

Jim was clutching the compass and struggling not to cry.

"Well done, Jim," a voice said.

Jim looked up.

Captain Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbes had joined him.

"Your father would've been proud," Snoopy continued.

Jim looked back out at sea.

Sarge suddenly ran up.

"Captain Snoopy," he announced. "I have most distressing news. One of the jolly boats is missing, and I know for a fact that it was _terribly _unsafe."

They could only look back out at sea, knowing karma would do its job.

* * *

The next evening, there was a party going on the ship.

Jeremy and his band had been pardoned on the basis they had only been playing a gig, and now celebrated by playing music for the party.

The cat tourists danced and boogied on the deck.

Squire Satchel was trying to steer the ship, but the Spa'am and his men were spinning him around on the wheel.

"Oop! Ha! Ha! Okay, guys! This isn't fun! Oop! Ha! Ha!" he cried.

Benjamina and Snoopy sat at the side of the ship when Sergeant Arrow walked up.

"Ready to sail, sir," he said, saluting.

"Where to, Captain Hawkins?" Snoopy called to Jim.

Jim grinned as he looked out at the open ocean.

"To wherever the wind may take us!" he cheered.

"Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!" Calvin shouted.

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "I sense a sequel," he muttered.

And they enjoyed the party as they set sail for the next adventure.

**THE END**


End file.
